The Column That, Unlike High Fidelity, Is Actually Set in England

A COUPLE OF WEEKS back, your intrepid columnists made one of their tri-annual trips to their spiritual homeland. As ever, they spent too much money on booze, records, cabs, etc., so all you folks get is this Stupid Column . . .

Top 5 Reasons The UK Rules

1. WWF Pay-Per-Views are on Sky Sports . . . for free!

2. Sweet corn. With tuna or chicken, it doesn’t really matter, we just love it!

3. MTV Europe’s Alternative Nation shows Hefner and old Fall videos. It also raises the question: Where is Kennedy? (Oh yeah, she’s on the Buzz.)

4. The World Curling Championships were in Glasgow. Yes, Canada kicked some serious ass. Kelly Law is Queen of BC!

5. Singles still matter.

Top 5 Best Musical Things

1. Terris: Already decreed to be the proverbial Best New Band Blah Blah Blah, but the good news is that this young Welsh foursome is the most striking rock combo your humble correspondents have seen/heard in ages. The new Joy Division? The new Smiths? The new U2? Believe the hype!

2. Julian Cope’s Cornucopia Weekend at the South Bank Centre. Where else would you get to see three—count ’em—three Thighpaulsandras: Paul “The Wild Swans” Simpson, a reunited Ash Ra Tempel, and the amazing Groundhogs, not to mention the World’s Smallest Disco (“The Miniscule of Sound,” dontcha know)?

3. Teenage Fanclub needs a new drummer. Again.

4. The great Irish poet, singer, provocateur Cathal Coughlan, and his sterling new solo album, Black River Falls. And speaking of the Call, what do you suppose Michael Been is up to these days?

5. A stellar year so far for eccentric pop, i.e. new albums by Orange Can, Doves, It’s Jo & Danny, and Chris Starling. Go buy them.

Top 5 Most Annoying Musical Things

1. Asian Dub Foundation. Quit your moaning and bring us our goddamn curry.

2. Tht Bbby Gllsp fllw frm Prml Scrm hs bcm rthr trsm, dn’t y thnk?

3. New Oasis comes with a new logo. F ’em.

4. You can’t swing a cat without seeing that new Moloko video. Also, that Raisins chick turns out to be not that attractive after all.

5. The Undertones minus Feargal Sharkey have reunited to play the Fleadh. That’s like the Groundhogs without Tony McPhee!

Top 5 Birds of Britain

1. Frances O’Connor (Actually she’s Australian, but who cares? She’s yummy!)

2. Morning DJ Sara Cox, who is definitely too good looking for radio. She is also too good looking for Jason (though if you believe High Fidelity, he could have bagged Catherine Zeta Jones in college).

3. CD.UK hostess Cat Deeley. (Which also raises an important question: Y’know that cartoon, Catdog? Well, how the hell does it go to the bathroom? Huh? Huh??)

4. Ute Lemper, who is German, but she hangs out with Neil Hannon and Scott Walker. She makes us go achtung . . . in our pants!

5. The many, many beautiful long-legged chicks appearing on Italy’s wacky new game show, La boca di lupa. It’s so hot, you’d think you were watching Telemundo!

Top 5 Things We Couldn’t Think of Top 5 Lists For

1. Goddamn, we can’t stand that Jack Black. To paraphrase the Beta Band, he has the cock of a baby, only smaller.

2. Our Canadian pal Tim Lee—no, not the guy from the Windbreakers, though he does wear one in the spring—raises an interesting, if a tad dated, question: Why wasn’t Steve Sanders included on TV Guide’s 100 Greatest TV Characters of All Time list?

3. What happened to the naked guy who used to run onstage with Elastica? Shouldn’t he be an important artist by now?

4. We see Will Oldham has covered AC/DC’s “Big Balls.” What’s next? Elliott Smith doing M�y Cre’s “Girls Girls Girls”?

5. Creepy Wall Street Journal columnist Paul Gigot recently won himself the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary. When we win ours, Michael intends to wear it around his neck all the time like Kurt Angle.