Bow down to the Gnome

Hey, listen up! The Northwest music scene’s moving faster than a Canadian speed skater on steroids. Someone’s got to keep the rhythm, and that someone’s here. From now until the end of the world, the Metro Gnome will weasel his way into clubs and troll the streets in search of Gnome Gnews (as it relates to this city of, by, and for the Sound).

Gnome gnews

Kudos to the The Seattle Times and P-I and, both of which ran editorials supporting anti-club ordinances the same week that longtime music venues Velvet Elvis, Speakeasy, and the Colourbox announced their impending closures. The dailies sounded like City Attorney Mark Sidran’s stooges, singing played-out tunes about greedy nightclub owners. If these clubs are raking in so much cash, then why are they closing?! With the demise of the all-ages Velvet Elvis, which shuts its doors in June, and RKCNDY, which’ll be gone before the new year, it looks like Seattle’s fixin’ to be a Teenage Wasteland.

So who’s gonna take up the slack? No new all-ages venues are on the horizon, but we’ll probably see some new 21-and-over action. With Pioneer Square re-launched as a pricier, sports-lovin’ zone, it’ll probably happen in other ‘hoods. Ballard? Smells fishy. Beacon Hill? Too far away. What about that piece of not-so-hot Queen Anneish property across from the New Blob (a.k.a. Experience Music Project)? Well, a New York based retro dance-club chain, Polly Esther’s, is way ahead of the Gnome. As the invite to last week’s opening-night gala advised: “Be hip, be groovy, relive your memories of the ’70s & ’80s.” I hear it’s gonna be Bachelorette Party headquarters. Expect to see the Gnome groovin’ on that “Purple Rain dance floor.”

Terrorist threats

Quote of the week, from Library Nation, the upcoming debut of local hip-hop-flavah-ed duo the Evil Tambourines and guest MC Al Larsen: “The library bond represents an increase in tax for property owners/This isn’t a new stadium/This is a public facility/There are no box seats in the library. . . . ” Um, OK, Al. For what it’s worth, the disc’ll be out July 20.

The End’s latest promotion offers listeners the chance to win $5,000. The catch? You and 30 of your friends have to endure a private End Session with the nouveau hair band behind the overemotive hit “Iris.” Of course, the station would have listeners believe that getting locked in a room with the Goo Goo Dolls is the prize, but there’s an unintended justice in throwing in a check for five grand. You betcha!