You’ve spent hours roaming neighborhood after neighborhood to amass fifty pounds of

December 3, 2012 12:00 am
Veggies, fruits or healthy snacks: Talk about a trick. You wanted something filled with sugar and preferably neon but instead you got stuck with celery sticks. Save the rabbit food for the Easter Bunny.
Veggies, fruits or healthy snacks: Talk about a trick. You wanted something filled with sugar and preferably neon but instead you got stuck with celery sticks. Save the rabbit food for the Easter Bunny.

You’ve spent hours roaming neighborhood after neighborhood to amass fifty pounds of Halloween candy. Tainting the sanctity of your loot (and your childhood) are these terribly tricky treats.Published on October 22, 2008

Plastic shit: What the hell am I supposed to do with a bat ring?

Plastic shit: What the hell am I supposed to do with a bat ring?

Bibles and any other religious scripture: The power of Satan compels you to get some damn candy!

Bibles and any other religious scripture: The power of Satan compels you to get some damn candy!

Fun size candy: There's nothing fun about less candy.

Fun size candy: There’s nothing fun about less candy.

School supplies: Oh great! Just what I wanted on Halloween, a reminder that after I take this costume off I still have to study for that multiplication quiz. Thanks for the dose of harsh reality.

School supplies: Oh great! Just what I wanted on Halloween, a reminder that after I take this costume off I still have to study for that multiplication quiz. Thanks for the dose of harsh reality.

Wax bottles: When you finally get these suckers open you'll discover they're filled with high-fructose corn syrup and red. But before you get to that you'll have to eat wax!

Wax bottles: When you finally get these suckers open you’ll discover they’re filled with high-fructose corn syrup and red. But before you get to that you’ll have to eat wax!

Peppermints: If you're so cheap that you'll toss us the mints that came with your take-out instead of buying real candy, you deserve the bag of dog shit I'll be setting on fire and leaving on your porch later.

Peppermints: If you’re so cheap that you’ll toss us the mints that came with your take-out instead of buying real candy, you deserve the bag of dog shit I’ll be setting on fire and leaving on your porch later.

Pennies: These are especially bad if accompanied by advice to save them for a rainy day.

Pennies: These are especially bad if accompanied by advice to save them for a rainy day.

Smarties: What's that? You like Smarties. I do too. It's just too bad that every giant bag of mixed candy has 100 packages of these tiny, chalky disks. When I started trick-or-treating, ending the night with ten pounds of Smarties is not what I had in mind.

Smarties: What’s that? You like Smarties. I do too. It’s just too bad that every giant bag of mixed candy has 100 packages of these tiny, chalky disks. When I started trick-or-treating, ending the night with ten pounds of Smarties is not what I had in mind.

Someone else's hand: Stay out of my damn candy!

Someone else’s hand: Stay out of my damn candy!