THE BOTTLE
Wine is good only when it’s in a dark bottle. You want to know the color of the wine before you buy it? Forget it. There’s plenty of time to ruminate about the color once it’s languishing in your glass.
THE LABEL
Any wine with gold or silver lettering is excellent. It’s even better if the winery’s name is embossed. And pay special attention to the picture. Is the winery surrounded by a fence? Good, because they obviously don’t want just anyone visiting.
THE NAME
Can you pronounce it? No? Perfect. The more unpronounceable it is, the better the wine. (Note: German wines are exceptional.) One other thing to consider: Words like “Reserve,” “Wine Maker’s Selection,” “Late Harvest,” etc., are there for a good reason. The more superlatives, the better the wine.
THE PRICE
The quality of a wine is always directly proportional to its price. If your local shop recommends a wine that costs $15, insist on one that costs $40. Trust me, your friends will like you more when they find out how much it costs, regardless of how it tastes.
THE RATING
People who taste wine professionally have palates far more educated than yours. So if they give a 100 rating to a wine, pay whatever it costs to get it. And never drink a wine rated lower than 90. The pros take your personal preferences into consideration when issuing their ratings.
THE TASTE
A good wine is made to be stored in a dank cellar for several years before it’s ready to drink. How do you make sure a wine is ready to be enjoyed? Take the bottle out of your cellar, open it up, and taste it. Not ready? Oops. You should have bought two bottles.
THE SMELL
The best wines smell like the contents of a baby’s diaper. If you get the impression that the baby’s colicky, so much the better.
DENNIS:
I gather from your column that you like champagne a lot. But you never seem to mention anything made in Washington. Do we make champagne here?
RUSS
RUSS:
Yes and no. We make champagne in Washington, but most of it tastes like carbonated bat urine. One exception is Mountain Dome, a little winery in Spokane that makes nothing but sparkling wine. Interestingly, it’s owned by a psychiatrist who named his fermenting tanks “Jung” and “Freud.” Perhaps drinking enough of his wine will inspire you to declare any Oedipal leanings.
E-mail: wine@seattleweekly.com.