Pictured here is the world’s shittiest pinball game. Not pictured: the strangely sentient bottles of Rainier beer crossing the floor directly in front of the informative sign.Don’t you just love it when you think some place is going to really suck, but then it turns out to be really precious and awesome? Too bad Marv’s Broiler is nothing like that. It’s dark and musty inside. It’s called “Broiler,” but the “kitchen,” with its grimy stainless steel appliances and round whirly ticket holder, looks more like what I imagine a museum of late 20th century restaurant kitchens would look like if it were designed by some futuristic museum curator in the year 6000. Note: the futuristic museum curator is a monkey with a human head, because that’s the kind of scary shit they have in the future.The booths are gunky and the only pinball machine in the place is about Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. It’s a shitty, shitty pinball game. It is UNFAIR because the ball always shoots right between the flippers, just like I did to your mom last night. Right between the flippers. Your mom is a thalidomide baby. At least there are pool tables, and the jukebox is pretty good. In fact, I disrupted everyone’s enjoyment of some stupid Nickelback bullshit by stacking the playlist with a whole bunch of Venom songs. As an added bonus there are pull tabs, though I’m not the biggest fan of them. Nothing illustrates the futility of human existence more than pull tabs: You spend $20, but when you’re done you’re left with one of those plastic baskets that hot dogs come in, filled with a giant papery snowdrift of FAILURE. Pull tabs are clearly the most illogical and existential of all the types of gambling. Samuel Beckett could have invented them.But what about the drinks? The liquor shelf is notoriously disorganized: Grey Goose sits between a bottle of Goldschlager and De Kuyper Blackberry Schnapps. But the bartenders are friendly and pour HUGE shots. You know those shot glasses with a white line on the side to tell you where to stop pouring? The bartenders at Marv’s don’t give a shit about that fucking line. They pour right up to the brim, so that there’s a wobbly meniscus of alcohol quivering precariously at the top of the glass and you have to actually sip it at first so you don’t spill any! Plus, drinks at Marv’s Broiler are cheap: shots of Jack Daniel’s are $5.50. A pitcher of Bud Light is $7.50. Busch, the crown jewel of shitty beers, is a mere FIVE DOLLARS FOR AN ENTIRE PITCHER. Not one of those lame mini-pitchers, mind you, which isn’t even enough beer to get a Leprechaun buzzed before I take it home to molest it, but a real, regulation-sized pitcher!On a recent visit I was confused about what to order. “Get some tequila!” suggested the helpful gentleman seated next to us. Cazadores is $9 a shot, which I find a bit steep, but fuck it. Not one to refuse sage advice, I did just that.Rating: 6.5 flippers out of 10Marv’s Broiler is located at 9808 16th Ave SW in White CenterTo call them for some reason (I wouldn’t), call 206-763-1412.MARV’S DOES NOT HAVE A WEBSITE. What kind of bar do you think this is, you fucking yuppie?