Dear Dategirl,
Two years ago I met a guy while shopping in his store. We were both divorced, single, no kids, and both of us had a dog. An immediate friendship ensued. We had shared passions, interests, senses of humor, and amazing conversations. Until two months ago, we were in touch daily—either by text or fun. I adore him. He’s beautiful, kind, funny, supportive, complimentary, and, most important, he made me feel alive again after a very painful, bitter divorce.
While very attracted to him, I also realized he had issues that made him a bad fit for me. However, I cherished our friendship and was so happy to have him be part of my life. He’d come over and I’d make him dinner, he’d help me with stuff that needed being done around the house, but whenever I asked him to go out—like to walk our dogs or go out to dinner—he’d say no.
Two months ago, I finally asked why he never wanted to go out in public together. After refusing to meet my eyes, he shared that he had recently remarried. I didn’t even know he was dating! I asked when this had happened—FIVE MONTHS ago! You’d think you’d tell someone you see or talk to every day when you got engaged and then married!
I haven’t spoken to him since, and I miss him, but I kind of hate him too. Do I just let it go?
—Sad ’n’ Mad
Friends tell friends when they get engaged. Friends also tell friends when they get married. Sure, they don’t always invite you to the wedding—especially if you’re an attractive friend he’s lined up as a Plan B if Plan A goes awry—but it’s good form to let all your buddies know if there’s a change in your marital status—if for no other reason than how else are they going to know to buy you a gift? This is some straight-up Erica Kane nonsense here.
There’s something more going on here, though. You’re spending tons of time with someone you find wildly attractive (beautiful, even), you have great conversations, a million things in common, etc. Yet you and he never got together because of some unexplained “issues” on his part. Was he aware that you and he would never happen? And why were you wasting so much time with a handsome, straight BFF when you really want a man of your own? It seems like he wanted a girlfriend/wife and you wanted a neutered male to help you with stuff around the house, laugh at your jokes, but never ask for sex or any kind of intimacy. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it sounds like maybe you both have “issues.”
Maybe he thought you’d be terribly jealous if you found out he was serious about someone else (are you?). Or he could be a Patrick Bateman type capable of relegating the various aspects of his life into separate compartments where they never meet. Who knows? But if you do decide to try to resuscitate your friendship, I’d make meeting his bride a condition. Because I’ll bet she has no idea you even exist.
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