Dear Dategirl, My girlfriend of three years just moved out. It

Dear Dategirl,

My girlfriend of three years just moved out. It had been a long time coming—she’s of stoic Midwestern stock whose parents went to their graves not knowing she’s gay. I’m a mouthy, crunchy dyke from San Francisco. My parents have known I like girls just about since I could talk. It could never work, except it did for three years. But I wanted to get married, and I’m still not sure what she wants. I know it’s not me.

Obviously, that’s not the problem. You can’t give me a spell to win her back, and if you could, that would just be weird. I want to be with someone who thinks I’m beautiful, who likes to occasionally acknowledge that they have feelings, etc. The sex wasn’t even good! But even though I know it was the right thing to happen, I find myself checking her Facebook page . . . not obsessively, but at least once a day. She has a cute new friend, I see. She went rock-climbing—something she would never do with me. I don’t know for certain she’s seeing anyone, but even if she was, it’s none of my business. I’m not dating, FYI. I don’t even know how to begin because I was in a 10-year relationship before her.

How can I stop being a crazy stalker? None of our mutual friends mention her very often and I never ask, but Facebook makes it so easy to check up on her. Oh, another thing—she keeps wanting us to be friends. Like get together for coffee or lunch. I told her I need some time, but she made no secret that she thought that was silly.

—Inspector Clueless

People who have no hearts find it easy to meet a recent ex for coffee with no emotional repercussions, because they don’t have any emotions to get all percussed in the first place.

While I’m sure your ex isn’t a bad person, she is being unrealistic and unwilling to accept her position as asshole in this situation. Even though she’s probably technically not a jerk, she dumped you, which makes her the jerk. Sorry. Everyone knows those are the rules. Therefore, Ms. Thing doesn’t get to decide that forgoing chai lattes in your presence is “silly.”

And yeah, Facebook. Oof. You need to quit that. Even though, I agree, once a day doesn’t qualify as stalking, you are on a slippery slope, lady. You don’t have to full-on block her sorry ass, but Mark Zuckerberg has given us the technology to “hide” her until you’re feeling less fragile. This will eliminate her stupid rock-climbing outings from appearing in your feed, and you’ll have no clue whether her “relationship status” changes. Hell, you won’t even know if she gets a hideous new haircut or suddenly gains 40 pounds.

As for you, get out there, but just fuck around for a while. Don’t fall prey to that awful lesbian joke about bringing a moving van to the second date; meet loads of people, kiss tons of broads, and have a good time.

But first turn off that stupid computer . . .

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