I’m afraid I’m never going to have sex again. It had been a while, and so last week, when I ran into an old FWB* in from out of town, I decided to give him another try. Sex with him had never been mind-blowing, but it was fun and I was out of practice. What I experienced was disturbing. My friend wasn’t violent or disrespectful, but kept muttering these ridiculous porno commands: “Flex that pussy!” “Relax that pussy!” “Yeah, work that pussy!”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I tried nonverbal cues, such as putting my hand over his mouth, but he would not stop bossing my “pussy” around. When he finally finished and fell asleep, I crept out of his hotel room. In my haste, I left behind my favorite pair of socks. I loved those socks. Has porno ruined these guys so that they think we really like this kind of nonsense? Dirty talk is one thing, but this felt so forced. Obviously I handled it badly, but what should I have done?
—Quit Talking to My Pussy
Woman, I salute your restraint, because I think I would’ve laughed so hard his peen would’ve been queefed right outta me. This is a moot point, but can you imagine his reaction if you’d suddenly started shouting out penis commands? “Pop that pecker!” “Swirl that schlong!” “Bump that boner!”
Whether it’s porn overload or a desire to sound like a workout DVD, this guy needs to work on his game. But naturally he didn’t bother to write, because he doesn’t realize he has a problem. And the reason he doesn’t know is that you didn’t tell him. For all he knows you had a middle-of-the-night hair appointment or got your period or some other girlie thing. Honey, you owe it to the sisterhood to let men know when they’re going somewhere nobody will ever want them to go.
Since you probably won’t go for Round 2 with this guy, let’s talk about what you should do the next time—and there will be a next time—someone pulls something irritating, unnerving, or just plain idiotic in bed with you.
Talking: The ol’ hand-over-the-mouth trick is good, but when you saw it didn’t work, you should’ve spoken up. It’s not as though you were in danger of having an orgasm anyway, so why not tell him that barking orders at your vagina tends to dry it out?
Touching: If someone’s grabbing you in a way that’s either too hard or too mushy-soft, loosening or tightening their grip physically can help. But if you’re in actual pain, shrieking “BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!” tends to make the point quickly.
Mistaking you for a member of Cirque du Soleil: This is going to make me sound like one lazy bitch, but few things are as disheartening than gearing up for the first time with a new guy only to discover he’s an overachiever hell-bent on twisting you up like a fleshy pretzel. Talk about porno damage. These types are never going to let you get away with a simple round of missionary, so unless you’re interested in a sex life spent constantly one-upping the last time, just get up and go. But next time, don’t forget your socks.
Want more? Listen to Judy on The Mike & Judy Show, follow her tweets @HitOrMissJudy, or buy her new book, The Official Book of Sex, Drugs, and Rock ’n’ Roll Lists.