Plot Issues Resolved in Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith
Published 7:00 am Monday, October 9, 2006
• Anakin/Darth Vader presents Padmé with two Bundt pans for daughter Leia’s future hairstyle.
• Original Death Star plan is met with resistance by Empire liberals.
• Vader decrees that his son shall be played by a terrible actor for all eternity.
• Turns out Yoda is just a damn puppet. Everyone feels pretty dumb about that one.
• The Sith totally get revenge.
• Obi-Wan’s banishment to Tatooine is based primarily on shabby wardrobe.
• First appearance of “Jedi Frodo.”
• Familial linkage between Han Solo, Indiana Jones, and Harrison Ford character from Working Girl is revealed.
• Contrary to what Jedi say, the dark side is actually pretty awesome.
• Vader visits Bakersfield Radio Shack to acquire stupid-ass looking buttons for his chest plate.
• Possibly pivotal idea to “get some damn guns already” is voted down by light-saber-loving Jedi traditionalists.
• C-3PO runs on Mac, while R2-D2 is entirely Linux-based.
• Connection between Wookiees, Ewoks, and Care Bears is established.
• Vader crushes Jedi knights while acting on what he thought was “slam dunk” intelligence.
• Jar Jar Binks is beaten to death with hammers by an unexpected alliance between the Empire and the rebels.
• The whole thing was all Pam Ewing’s dream.
