• Anakin/Darth Vader presents Padmé with two Bundt pans for daughter Leia’s future hairstyle.

• Original Death Star plan is met with resistance by Empire liberals.

• Vader decrees that his son shall be played by a terrible actor for all eternity.

• Turns out Yoda is just a damn puppet. Everyone feels pretty dumb about that one.

• The Sith totally get revenge.

• Obi-Wan’s banishment to Tatooine is based primarily on shabby wardrobe.

• First appearance of “Jedi Frodo.”

• Familial linkage between Han Solo, Indiana Jones, and Harrison Ford character from Working Girl is revealed.

• Contrary to what Jedi say, the dark side is actually pretty awesome.

• Vader visits Bakersfield Radio Shack to acquire stupid-ass looking buttons for his chest plate.

• Possibly pivotal idea to “get some damn guns already” is voted down by light-saber-loving Jedi traditionalists.

• C-3PO runs on Mac, while R2-D2 is entirely Linux-based.

• Connection between Wookiees, Ewoks, and Care Bears is established.

• Vader crushes Jedi knights while acting on what he thought was “slam dunk” intelligence.

• Jar Jar Binks is beaten to death with hammers by an unexpected alliance between the Empire and the rebels.

• The whole thing was all Pam Ewing’s dream.

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