Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Who are you supporting for mayor?

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m drawn to the warm Falstaffian vibe of Mike McGinn. No one can dispute that he’s the most huggable mayoral candidate. And what some people call “not speaking well in public,” I call “informal and authentic.” Plus there are his stickers, which simply say “Mike Bikes.” That really sums it up for me. He’s a bicyclist, and therefore has the right views on transportation, and everything else too. There’s an aura of goodness that attaches to people when they bike, and persists even after they dismount and walk around Trader Joe’s in their helmets. It’s an ingenious idea to try to attach that aura to yourself permanently. Can he pull it off? I don’t know, but here’s hoping he takes that Trek of his all the way to the top.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

I’m on my way to fistfight. Any tips?

Bernie Sent from my iPhone

Dear Bernie,

As in any other life situation, you have to ask yourself, “What do I want to happen here? What would constitute a win?” I assume you want to defeat your opponent. But are you also hoping to make yourself look more attractive? If so, I’d suggest changing the venue to Myrtle Edwards Park. At sunset, if possible. The grain elevator backlit against the water will provide a very manly setting for your fistfight. You and your opponent should also consider putting on suits and ties. Two men fistfighting in suits is always a crowd-pleaser.

If on the other hand you’re mainly looking to get out some aggression, try to accomplish this with your first few swings and then move in for a conciliatory hug. How well your opponent is able to adjust to this sudden change in emotional tone will depend on how much he’s been drinking. They may stagger around physically, but drunks are very agile emotionally, able to go from weeping to anger in one beat. I only know this from observing my dad, Goddess rest his soul. Of course, as a pacifist, I hope you won’t fistfight at all. But I understand that men sometimes are strongly compelled to do stupid things and there’s probably nothing we can do about that.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

What’s the right way to express my appreciation of a movie? I want to show I’m getting each and every joke.

Dora

Dear Dora,

Expression follows discernment. So just let it happen naturally. That works for me anyway. A little “heh-heh-heh” leaps spontaneously from my throat at regular intervals whenever I see a movie. And not just at the jokes—whenever there’s anything noteworthy whatsoever. Like if there’s something in the background that the characters don’t see yet. Heh-heh-heh. I think of this as a kind of public service. If people drift off and lose the thread, the metronome of my chuckling will bring them back into the rhythm of the movie. Some people might not appreciate this, but I don’t mean to do it, and that’s what makes it acceptable. Spontaneity trumps courtesy.

The same principle applies to appreciating jazz drum solos, by the way. Some people who aren’t quite as familiar with the jazz tradition may not know that you can be pretty informal when listening. Hey, jazz was the pop music of its day. I like to express my communion with the spirit of the music by discreetly tapping along with a fork on my water glass. The last time I was at Dimitriou’s they asked me to stop doing this, and I had to make do with nodding along while wearing an expression of intense pain. When you really feel the groove, it actually does hurt a little bit.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Should I take an X-Acto knife to this whitehead?

Lance

Dear Lance,

No.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Is it ever OK to demand that “everyone be quiet for this song”?

Janis

Dear Janis,

You mean is there a formula, based on the age of the person doing the demanding and the number of people in the room? Yes. Will I give it to you? That depends on your answers to my riddles three. No, wait, come back! There aren’t any riddles. I was just messing with you. I’ll e-mail that formula to you right away. It’s too long to fit here. For everyone else’s benefit, I’ll mention the one situation in which it’s always OK to ask everyone to shut up for six minutes and 44 seconds: when there’s someone present who’s never heard “Taxi” by Harry Chapin.

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