HELLO THERE PET LADY,

I have had cats all my life, and right now we have two. My problem is this: Minew is part Siamese and she is constantly catching birds and bringing them in the house. Sometimes she gets one every day, and this does not make my wife very happy—feathers everywhere, especially in our bedroom. She has plenty of food to eat, so she isn’t starving, and we bought a collar with a bell on it hoping it would slow her down with no luck. She is just too much of a hunter. We would appreciate any suggestions that you have to remedy this situation.

Thank you,

Keith

DEAR KEITH,

The Pet Lady is a bit taken aback at your implication that your cat’s Thai ethnicity is somehow related to her violent acts; this is the sort of retrograde thinking to which the P.L. likes to think her dear readers are immune. Perhaps the P.L. misunderstands; surely you do not mean to imply any correlation, and the P.L. is merely a bit dehydrated and needs a nice martini.

Well, that’s much better, isn’t it? The Pet Lady loves olives.

Your tale of the woe befalling your neighborhood feathered friends reminds the Pet Lady of similar troubles encountered by the Pet Father. Being an amateur birdologist, the P.F. had deployed a hummingbird-feeding apparatus outside the kitchen window, such that he might sit calmly and listen to public radio whilst observing the tiny bird- fellows and -ladies. Then one terrible day, one of their very small number was perusing the Pet Mother’s lovely rose bushes, quite probably drinking of their exquisite nectar, when out of nowhere the dread Jack Mackey struck! Leaping up, he instantly had the minuscule bird-person in his dread feline jaws, and that, as they say, was that. The P.F. subsequently asked the human Mackeys across the alley to apply a bell to Jack, and they obliged, but the wily Jack would shed his bell, collar and all, the moment he was out of sight.

And what did the Pet Father do, dear Keith? Would it shock you to learn that the Gandhi-esque P.F. obtained a weapons-grade slingshot and initiated an air offense unto Jack Mackey, seeking not to injure him but merely dissuade him from his murderous ways with the ping of pellets on his furry rump? Could such a campaign meet with success? Well, not much. One can do little to stop cats in their bird-hunting and -eating ways; it is their nature to kill, kill, kill, and then loll about, delicately belching feathers. You might try a different sort of bell, one not so easily defeated by stealth—perhaps a very large one. And it may be that some other dear readers have insight into this matter and will apprise the Pet Lady of such. Meanwhile, fix your wife a nice martini, and best of luck.

The Pet Lady

Picture your pet and/or yourself here! Send photos and letters to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.