In a trail of greasepaint and the roar of clown footprints, the legendary J.P. PATCHES has for five decades been bringing smiles to our faces and, now and then, screams. Hearing that Mariners manager Bob Melvin was scared of clowns, J.P. couldn’t wait to meet himto reassure him, of course. Like Kramer on Seinfeld, lots of adults as well as hordes of kids never get past the bulbous nose, saucer ears, and death-white face to realize it’s all in fun. “I don’t know why some are afraid,” says J.P., alias (cover the kiddies’ eyes) bighearted Chris Wedes. “I was at a carnival in Kirkland, and a couple of kids started wailing. But in some cases their moms just thrust their kids at me, and that would startle anyone.” The J.P. Patches Show, live from the City Dump (of which J.P. was mayor), went on the air at KIRO-TV (7) in 1958 and ran until 1981. It was a children’s show, but often it was the adults who got the jokes. Once, when entertainer Steve Allen was appearing live, J.P. told him he had to break for a commercial by Lay’s, referring to the potato chips. What’s a Lay? asked Allen. You, being from California, ought to know what a Lay is! said J.P. Allen fell down laughing, knocking a display of chips onto the floor. Along with his popular sidekick, the fright-wigged Gertrude, J.P. cavorted two hours a day, enlisting several generations of children as Patches Pals, until CBS pressured KIRO to give it the early morning slot for a network show. Wedes worked in TV production while doing J.P. part time, then semiretired into his rounds today, at age 75, as a clown at private and public events. His wife keeps asking him: When is enough enough? “When it stops being fun,” J.P. answers. Not soon, we hope.Rick Anderson 206-546-5442, www.jppatches.com. J.P. PATCHES’ PICKS BEST LOCAL ENTERTAINER: Radioman Pat Cashman of KJR-FM (95.7), “probably the funniest guy in town, but always in good taste.” BEST LOCAL COLUMNIST: Art Thiel, Seattle Post-Intelligencer. “I love the P-I’s comics best, too.” BEST EATERIES: Drift on Inn for breakfast, Nickerson Street Saloon for lunch. BEST SEATTLE BOOK: Northwest Icon by Bryan Johnston. “I understand it’s about some guy named Patches.” BEST TV MOMENTS: The day Doc and Festus from the old Gunsmoke TV series did an improv skit, with Gertrude playing Miss Pitty (a play on Miss Kitty), and the time they had to lock the studio door to keep fans at bayaway from ukulele-playing guest star Tiny Tim. BEST PERSONAL MOMENT: When Children’s Orthopedic Hospital officials surprised him on his show to tell him they were creating the J.P. Patches Room at their medical center. “One of the few times on the air that I was speechless.” BEST LITTLE KID’S REMARK: “You’re not J.P. He’s black and white.” (Little girl in the pre-color-TV 1960s.) info@seattleweekly.com