Oh the sun. If there’s one thing that will bring Seattle natives

Published 7:00 am Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Oh the sun. If there’s one thing that will bring Seattle natives and tourists out of their damp crawl spaces, it’s a little vitamin D and UV radiation. As soon as the sky changes from black to gray to white and, eventually, blue, it’s as if the city’s population doubles. What also doubles are the numbers of people trolling Seattle’s streets in search of outdoor treats while causing a massive loss of appetite to everyone else around them. It’s almost as if the weather gives everyone an excuse to simply disregard anything sensible about their appearance in celebration of the temperature breaking the 60 degree mark. With Mother Nature intent on tantalizing us with hints of summer to come, even thought it’s July already, a trip to the eateries of Pike Place Market and the Seattle waterfront provided plenty of fodder for food fashion disaters.Here are some highlights:The chocolate donut: I’ve got nothing against wearing all black. Shit, I do all the time. But when it’s 75 outside and the sun is beating down pretty hard, probably not the best strategy. Okay, we understand you’re trying to be dark and brooding and that your outward appearance reflects your forever festering inner anguish, but you just look uncomfortable. And what about the rest of us? You sweat a shit ton in all the black. No one really likes the smell of butt and onions, even in coffee shops. Just keep the black in your closet for a rainy day and don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of them.A staple here in the northwest, the urban mountain man as I like to call him is just about prepared for any situation. Between his sturdy hiking boots with wool socks, cargo shorts and lightweight back pack, he would be totally ready if say, oh I don’t know, the earth were suddenly torn asunder and a massive crag suddenly appeared in the middle of Alaskan Way, and the only way to reach the Ivar’s fish and chips he so desperately craves was to scale the summit of this newly formed obstacle. I never really understood why people in this city feel so inclined to dress as if they commuted here from a small yert in the cascades every single day. This might be passible on a day when the weather actually felt like mountain conditions, but not on a day that should be spent in beach attire. Then again…There seems to be an explosion of hawiian shirts. I mean seriously, I lost count of the amount of people I saw in polyester shirts with bright floral and island patterns. Let’s be honest here: Seattle is about as far away from Hawaii as someone could be. I don’t even understand why people buy these shirts in the first place if you’re going to live in a place that rains literally eight months out of the year. It’s like how every dad has that one really ugly shirts(which is usually hawaiin) that he wears to embarrass his kids or to defend against predatory females. The shirt just looks so out of context here, it rivals the mountain man in inappropriate attire. Maybe they should get together and share a Cliff bar or something.I bet it really upsets people that normally, due to the unfortunate length of pants, everyone doesn’t get to admire their socks. I mean personally, I prefer that people don’t don’t see me socks. Feet can be pretty gross and that puts socks very low on fashion priority list. That still doesn’t stop people from hiking them as high they go for the world to admire. It’s not just colorful one’s either. Black, white and sweat-stained yellow are all well represented on the streets of Seattle. Please everyone, do yourselves a favor and pull your socks the fuck down. No matter what you wear, high socks just won’t look that good. There are things that will make it worse though.Now I love the ladies, don’t get me wrong. Especially the ones who dare to bare it all in short shorts. However, with that being said, there’s a fine line between looking hot and looking like a total fool cause let’s be honest, not everyone’s fit to wear Daisy Dukes. Some common offenders include: squeezing thighs. If it looks like like you wear little shorts with the intention of cutting off your circulation, probably to shoot heroin through the back of your knees, or because you had six too many Dick’s Burgers, you probably shouldn’t leave the house wearing them. The pantless: if your shorts are so short that it fuels debate among aroused onlookers as to whether you’re wearing pants at all, probably not the best move on your part. There’s a happy medium for short length out there. I suggest finding it quickly.I wonder what this woman’s train of thought was when she got up in the morning, Probably while eating a grapefruit for breakfast, she turned on the morning news to see what the weather would be. She saw that the forecast predicted clear skies and comfortable temperatures and, as a if a light suddenly went on in her brain, she thought forest green sweat suit… wait what? Now I never really understood the function of sweat suits in the first place cause you don’t really work out in them and they don’t really look that good to wear out in public. Yes, they are warm in comfortable, which is perfect for cold days when you just want to hang around the house and eat leftover Piecoras, but for summer walks? Not the best course of action.This one’s a personal favorite of mine. While the Ugg boot alone has over taken the fashion sense of soccer moms and teenage girls alike, the combination with the black leggings takes atrocious to a whole new level. Nothing will ever make this okay. You’re wearing black and brown, you’re wearing long johns as a substitute for pants and you’re WEARING FUCKING UGGS! I see a lot of this in the winters of upstate New York. While only slightly acceptable in subzero temperatures, leggings and Uggs have no place during a seattle summer. Plus her purse is kind of tacky, but now I’m just being mean.Actually, on that note, wearing leggings as pants in general just shouldn’t be done, especially in the summer while enjoying ice cream. I understand that it’s comfortable and they never get too small, but sometimes it’s just not very flattering. I really could say more, but a picture’s worth a thousand words. This one maybe two thousand. As many of know, melanoma and other forms of skin cancer are on the rise in the United States. Protecting your epidermis from the suns rays is extremely important. One always has to remember to protect your skin from the ever increasing amount of ultraviolet radiation. Most people do this through the liberal application of sunscreen. But, if you’re lazy like me, one of the best and easiest ways is to wear a hat to keep your face from getting burned… but a top hat? Really dude? Really?Finally, there’s this douchebag. I don’t really know where to start with this one. First off there are his socks. Not only are they hiked up, but they don’t match. Like, not in a “they’re too white socks with different logos cause they got mixed in the wash” not matching, they’re completely different fucking colors. This either means he really just doesn’t give a fuck or he intentionally put on his socks like that. Either way, he should be shot. Then there’s his basket. No, I didn’t photoshop his green basket(although not a bad idea), he is actually carrying that around with him. Not a messenger bag, not a man purse, not even a satchel. He is carrying a fucking basket with god knows what in it. Probably picked up some overpriced produce from the market just to show everyone he likes to buy locally. Then there are his shorts. I only know two people who can pull of bright orange athletic shorts. One of them is my dad and the other is my friend Travis, both of which are raging Syracuse basketball fans. This guy only wants people to stare at him and I can’t deal with that kind of narcissism right now. I’d humor you all with the upper half of this guys body, but I’d think I’d run out of room for this blog entry.And there you have it. Next time you decide you decide to indulge one one of Seattle’s more scenic locales, take a lot around and you may spot one of these offenders. Go down to the market, grab a hombow and gawk at the floundering fashions that Seattleites bring to the table. Hey, and if you’re lucky, you might just see someone that’ll really make you cringe.