The Proper Etiquette for Kale, Ultilikilts, and iPhones on the Can
Published 7:00 am Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
I know it’s rude to talk on the phone while sitting on the toilet, but how about other electronic means of communication?
Twitter From the… uh, Crapper
Dear Twitter,
Mobile devices seem to have made people feel as if they’d cease to exist if not in constant contact with their friends. It’s the tree-falling-in-the-woods syndrome, Twitter, except you’re the tree. Do you have a dog? If not, I would suggest you get one and let him follow you into the bathroom, as dogs often like to do. Get your existential affirmation from the little guy who’s so full of love he wants to sit at your feet while you do your business. Let his presence center you there over the bowl, where you’ll soon discover a truer, unplugged self.
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
I know most of the Starbuckses of the world have a green logo. But the Starbucks at Pike Place Market has a brown one. Why is this? Also, is the mermaid on the logo Ariel?
A Visitor
Dear Visitor,
No, that’s not Ariel. Look a little closer. The Starbucks mermaid has a unique split tail which she holds wide-open over her head. As for the brown logo, I don’t want to deprive some other Seattle resident the pleasure of answering that question. Have you ever seen the happy expression of a child when she’s asked a question she knows the answer to? That’s exactly the kind of happiness you have the power to bestow. And if you also ask about the names of the mountain ranges, you’ll see how exaggerated our reputation for standoffishness really is. You may risk embarrassing your new friend, however, if you ask for the name of a particular body of water, especially along the transition from Lake Washington to Puget Sound that goes lake-bay-bay-lake-canal-bay-bay-sound.
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
The kale garnish on my plate—is it OK to take it to go? I want to juice it.
Vitamin Crazy
Dear Vitamin Crazy,
Sure! Just wrap it up in a napkin and be sure to reuse the napkin for something else later.
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
I’ve started dating this woman. How soon can I tell her I wear a Utilikilt?
Itchy Legs Lonny
Dear Lonny,
That question will have to get in line behind this one: Why haven’t you worn it before this? By avoiding the issue, you’ve now placed exaggerated importance on your Utilikilt debut. Frankly, I’m sensing your level of self-confidence is something we should take a look at together. Before you pop your hood for me, though, let me assure you you’re not wrong to feel trepidation. Having feelings is confusing enough without blaming yourself for them!
Besides, it can be tough for Utilikilt wearers out there. So many people feel entitled to mock them. And yet they persist in their choice. Utilikilts give them something. Something pants don’t have. They take this something without waiting for society’s permission. I think even detractors would do well to note the defiant self-confidence with which they march down the street. And if you think that this is where we rejoin your story, Lonny, ding ding ding! You’re right! Because that confidence is just what you’re missing. You’ve got the garment, but not the attitude. Help yourself get it by noting how many successful Utilikilt wearers put their look “across”: big black boots, which provide the ballast necessitated by the flounciness of those pleats.
If you still need support even after booting up, surprise yourself with a little positive self-talk in your v-mail in-box. Try this one: “It’s working for you, man, it’s working for you!” You may need to make the call in private so you can deliver the message with enough volume and passion to pierce your future self’s negativity halo. One last thing: When you’re ready to come out to that female friend of yours, maintaining a hint of your original sense of vulnerability will aid your kilted cause. Good luck!
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
What does the “WD” in WD-40 mean?
Puttering Around the Basement
Dear Puttering,
Water Displacement. The inventor, Norm Larsen, succeeded in perfecting the formula on his 40th try, that’s where the other part comes from. Did you notice how Norm used the name to recast his previous failures as 39 steps to success?
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