There’s Nothing Unwholesome About Sexual Intercourse
Published 8:00 am Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
It’s a wintry day and I’m walking down the street holding my coffee cup in my right hand, which is starting to get pretty cold. Would it be fair to ask my left hand to take a turn?
Righty
Dear Righty,
Let me guess: You have some discomfort around the very idea of a dominant hand. Otherwise you wouldn’t have used that term at all. “Dominant hand”—it has sort of a transgressive ring, doesn’t it? As if your hand dominated YOU in some way. Hmmm… Actually, let’s go ahead and just leave that thought alone. Look at it this way instead: On the one hand, the expression “on the one hand” clearly refers to your right. On the other hand, “the other hand” could also be your right, if you’re left-handed. Because we should remember not to forget left-handed people, for whom the side-neutral expression “dominant hand” was coined to begin with. Or was it? Don’t we right-handers, the dominant dominant-hand people, also benefit from inclusiveness?
If you said yes, you’re right-o, Righty. Celebrate by being even more inclusive. Don’t just ask your left hand to take a turn holding the coffee, use it to drink with, too. This is a great opportunity to develop a more informal, teasing relationship with this hand that you may at times have caused to feel invalidated. So when your left spills coffee down your chin, affectionately chide it. “Oh, you!” you can say. “What am I going to do with you?” Wipe the spill with your right, though, so your left doesn’t feel bad. This is one of the rare occasions when it’s better that your hands NOT know what each other are doing. You can probably avoid the spill altogether if you lock onto the cup with your lips and teeth before you sip. When it comes to drinking, your mouth is an old hand. ; )
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
My friend just got his first serious girlfriend, and now he won’t stop referring to his love life. When he leaves my house, he’ll say, “Well, I got something IMPORTANT to do,” and then start pumping his fists and making a pop-pop-pop sound with his lips. Ugh!
Grossed-Out Gus
Dear Gus,
Oopsies! Looks like someone has a little bit of creeping body-shame to watch out for. Let’s remember, Gus, that there’s nothing unwholesome about the enjoyment of sexual intercourse. We could hold hands while we do this remembering. I mean, if that would help you feel more comfortable.
Expressing oneself through gestures is also something that should be encouraged, not frowned upon. We as a culture are just so joy-averse. (If you see the connection between this and body-shame, give yourself a gold star.) Got happiness? Pass it on! And if you gotta get physical about it, get physical about it!
Like how I can’t hide my love of music, especially when I’m getting psyched up for band practice. “What are you up to tonight?” I’ll ask my co-workers. “Are you going to perhaps view some reality-television programs?” Before they can answer, I’ll start slapping the air bass and say, “Me, I’m off for a bit of the ol’ dang-dang-dang-da-dang-dang-da-diggy-diggy-dang-dang-dang-da-dang. Rest! Wokka-wokka-what? Wokka-wokka-where? Wokka-wokka-wokka-wokka-wokka-wokka-WOW!”
Hey Gus, you’re invited to this party too! Hit the dance floor to welcome with a grateful upturned face this a cappella shower of blessings from Mother Music Herself as it flows through me. Clap along, your hands still warm from mine, and lock into the groove. Help me, Gus. Help me ask that musical question, “Mother, May I Get Funky?” The answer, of course, is always “Yes, you may!” Thanks, Mom! And thanks to you too, Gus, for sharing your feelings.
The festive atmosphere doesn’t mean those feelings are invalidated. Your feelings are entirely valid, no matter how unfounded. OK, so your friend’s little display made you feel uncomfortable. What now? The good news, Gus, is that when we deleted body-shame up in the first paragraph, we opened up a whole new avenue of expression for you. An avenue lined with cheering crowds on which you can stage the craziest parades your imagination calls forth.
Break! Say it with me, Gus, and repeat it to your friend, the new lover standing at the door: “I feel a certain ‘movement’ coming on and need to get a little BIZ-ay myself!” Squat down to show what you mean and make an expression of agony. “I gotta get some of that good stuff, some of that awwww yeeeaaahhhh, if you know what I mean,” you can say as you make a face that shows the sweet relief that will be yours as soon as he leaves.
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