How to marry a millionaire
Tips for snaring one of Seattle’s thousands of sugar daddies:
- Spend Sunday afternoons kicking the tires at Redmond’s Lexus dealership.
- Ask to see his Palm Pilot.
- Over dinner at El Gaucho, profess your profound interest in juggling.
- At the health club, remember to wear your Matrix T-shirt.
- Forswear all Brad Pitt movies; practice positive visualization exercises of Nathan Mhyrvold.
- Call Amazon.com customer service; flirt shamelessly.
- Get impregnated by a Sonic.
- Apply for menial food service position at Microsoft; “accidentally” spill food on senior group product manager’s Dockers; dab vigorously with damp cloth.
- When hunky, stock-option-owning, HomeGrocer.com driver makes delivery, open the door wearing nothing but….
- Adorn your body with tattoos and piercings, start smoking, and make eyes at recently divorced rock stars at the Crocodile Caf鮍
- At Scarecrow Video, stand in the “S” aisle, asking guys if they’ve seen the new Star Trek: The Next Generation DVD.
- Get real estate license; show lakefront properties in the nude.
- At Crystal Mountain, park next to the newest Hummer; wait for owner to return, then pretend to lose your keys and beg for a ride home.
- Take Metro across 520 to Hunts Point; then, wearing tight shorts and jog-bra, stop at largest remodeled house for glass of water, then “faint.”
- Join local gun club and register as a Republican; wait for next McCaw to divorce.
- At Seafair, swim up to largest yacht on log boom and yell, “Help, I’m drowning and I’ve lost my swimsuit top!”
- At Boeing Field, sneak into private jet area and aggressively hitch ride to Sun Valley or Aspen.
- When programmers lose hackey-sack outside GO2NET headquarters, squeal, “Look! It fell down my blouse!”
- Loiter at Madison Audio; ask customers to explain why exactly $10,000 tube amps sound “warmer.”
- Wait outside Phil Smart test-drive area; accidentally permit hem of dress to get caught in car door. (Actual results may vary.)
- Between holes at Sahalee, identify most promising targets, then fall into water hazard wearing sheer diaphanous top and plead for rescue.
- Offer to take lap times while he races his new Boxster at SIR; leap wildly in show of support.
- Never ever admit that you once dated a lawyer at the Department of Justice.
- Ask him to demonstrate all the features on his 8860.
- If all else fails, return all those phone calls from Paul Allen (have restraining order removed first).
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How to marry a millionairess
Hey, guys, there’s no reason you can’t be a gold digger, too! Here’s how:
- Get stray dog from pound, knock on Wendy McCaw’s door saying your puppy needs water.
- Pretend Snow Falling on Cedars is your favorite book (be prepared to discuss).
- Memorize long passages from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus; recite with champagne.
- Attend riot grrrl concerts to meet nose-pierced, option-rich Amazon forklift drivers.
- Special note for aspiring bluebeards: scan obituaries for high-profile deaths; court widows with flowers; brush up on ballroom dancing with walker-wiedling partner.
- At Pacific Place, offer to carry customers’ heavy shopping bags (wear your tightest T-shirt).
- Set up petition table at Bellevue Square, ask women to participate in body-waxing class action lawsuit (photograph required).
- Whenever asked, emphatically agree that Gwyneth Paltrow is much too thin.
- Become personal trainer, tell most affluent clients they’ve lost five pounds each week (10 if they buy you a new superbike).
- Take temp job as paralegal, use confidential settlement information to begin “rebound effect” strategy of dating richest divorcees.
- Get UPS job, pay special attention to option-holding Microsoft executive secretaries while making deliveries.
- Identify all Lotto winners, begin wooing with invitations to ice skating shows and Neil Diamond concerts.
- Volunteer at finish line of Fred Hutch Race for the Cure 5K to wrap space blankets around grateful finishers.
- If all else fails, go to Yelm and announce you are Ramtha’s long-lost reincarnated husband.
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