In the majority of long-term relationships, there will come an occasion where one party will come down with a condition I like to call "the Babies". Not exclusive to--but certainly more biologically prevalent with--ladies, "the Babies" can reduce even the most stoic adult into a face-making and gibberish-talking fool in the presence of anyone under two and possesses the dark power to make every child seem unbearably cute, not to mention wise beyond their years.
Fortunately, this condition has an easy and delicious cure: weekend brunch. A morning visit on a Saturday or Sunday to one of the fine establishments listed below will doubtless ensure another year of carefree, childless fun for you and yours:
5.Portage Bay Cafe, 2821 N.W. Market St., 783-1547, BALLARD
If the gentleman in your relationship is the one with on the reproduction on the brain, I suggest a trip to either the Ballard or University District Portage Bay Cafe. Take him when he's very hungry--and maybe just a little hungover, for maximum effect--and wait. The epic delays in seating combine with the absolute crush of kids coming down from or in the throes of breakfast sugar highs will have him contemplating permanent birth control methods within an hour of your return home.
4.Patty's Eggnest, 9749 Holman Road N.W., 297-1545, GREENWOOD
On occasion, your long term lady may all the sudden become insatiable. If you are suspicious this sudden increase in desire is related to procreation, try Patty's Eggnest. You won't even make it to your seat before the looks on the faces of a joint full of overwhelmed parents whose sad eyes say they haven't had sex in a year and just want to get a bite full of breakfast in peace will dry her up faster than a Sham-Wow tampon.
3.Easy Street Cafe, 4559 California Ave. S.W., 938-3279, WEST SEATTLE
If you are harboring the delusion that you can have a kid and still be your super-cool self, try visiting Easy Street Cafe on a Sunday morning. Watching the hippest of hipster breeders you're so inspired by on the street try in vain to keep their offspring's grubby fingers off their chunky eyeglasses, out of their perfect hair, and off their favorite ironic, vintage t-shirt should serve as a severe slap of reality.
2.Chace's Pancake Corral,1606 Bellevue Way S.E., 425-454-8888, BELLEVUE.
Forget prayer and the rhythm method. As those with conventional birth-control qualms will find at Chace's in Bellevue, pancakes can stop pregnancy. After one hour's exposure to this concentration of indulged Eastside tots, you will feel an unmitigated duty to do you part in controlling the population. Be warned: If your partner makes it out of Chace's with their decision to reproduce still intact, parenthood for you, my friend, is most likely imminent.
1.Beth's Cafe, 7311 Aurora Ave. N., Seattle, 782-5588,GREENLAKE
With crayons for everyone and a complete lack of pretentiousness, Beth's Cafe is meant to bring out the kid in all of us. Unfortunately it's also a spot where people bring out all of their kids. Maybe it is the portion size or the value, or the fact they are booze free, but almost daily you'll find this spot packed with families attempting to challenge the Duggars to a breed-off. They also tend to be, shall we say, not the most attractive kids you've ever seen. For maximum potency, combine your breakfast at Beth's with a conversation regarding plans for an up coming "adults only" style vacation (think Vineyards, Vegas, Cabo), and it should buy you at least one more year of childlessness.