The Place: Beth's Café, 7311 Aurora Ave N, 782-5588, GREENLAKE
Uptown, Downtown or Down Home: Down home, done down and dirty. Hope you're wearing your eatin' pants, because this joint uses so much grease Waffle House is embarrassed for them.
Bubbles, Bloodies or Black Coffee: Caffe Vita is the only drinkable vice you can acquire at Beth's, but the waitstaff assured me if you want to take your order to-go to the neighboring tavern (Duck Island), you can booze away.
Hungover, Hooked-Up or Hanging with the Family: With crayons for the table and walls filled with patrons' art, everyone feels like a kid at Beth's. This is the place to bring a hook-up with whom you are extremely comfortable--comfortable enough to be extremely bloated with. It is a bit bright and busy for hungover dining, but the grub is absolutely made for it.
What's Cooking: Everything you would want in a diner done in an obscenely oversized way. You'll feel like Lily Tomlin's Edith Ann when they set that gianormous platter in front of your face. The Country Benedict (split biscuit topped with patty & scrambled eggs, smothered in country gravy and served with hash browns for $9.10) is so lubricious your chest will ache--especially when that first bite reveals a pool of butter shimmering underneath hash browns already sopping in gravy. I'm not a "girly" eater by any means, and I could only make it a quarter of the way through mine and ate nothing else the rest of the day. Maybe if you'd spent 48 hours on a juice cleanse and smoked an entire blunt an hour before you showed up, you might be able to get half of it down.
The six- and twelve-egg omelets -- with unlimited hash browns (this applies to every dish) -- Beth's is famous for practically defy logic. The mini-breakfasts are about the size of a normal breakfast elsewhere, go for between $5.75 and $6.60, and are a stellar value. Beth's also does some nice in-house baked goods (cinnamon rolls, muffins, and Amish friendship bread) that make a great ala carte option when you aren't prepared for a meal that requires an elastic waistband and Lipitor.