Bloody Smurf Jizz & 6 Other Cocktails for Washington's Memorial Day Booze Apocalypse


This post was written by Pete Seazle , whose work regularly appears on the West Seattle Fun Blog :

Memorial Day Weekend is one of


Bloody Smurf Jizz & 6 Other Cocktails for Washington's Memorial Day Booze Apocalypse

  • Bloody Smurf Jizz & 6 Other Cocktails for Washington's Memorial Day Booze Apocalypse

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    This post was written by Pete Seazle, whose work regularly appears on the West Seattle Fun Blog:

    Memorial Day Weekend is one of the biggest booze fests of the year, shadowed only by the likes of St. Patrick's Day, The Fourth of July, and Flag Day. And as the three-day weekend of inebriation kicks off our summertime fun, one startling realization has come to light: Memorial Day itself is four days before the transition to privatized liquor sales and we might damn well run out of booze by then. Sure, grocery and unnamed club stores are stockpiling inventories in preparation of their June 1st liquor launch, but as the days of May wane, so do inventories at the state's liquor stores. Did you happen to notice the slim tequila selection prior to your Cinco de Mayo bash? It was no bueno, amigo.

    So what does this mean for your Memorial Day plans? That's right: It's time to throw a Liquor Apocalypse Bad Booze Party! Unless you've been wise enough to stock pile your favorite vodkas, whiskeys, and gins, you're going to have to figure out how to put other less-favored boozes to good use--your Blue Curacao, your Advocaat, and your Creme de Menthe, for instance.

    Let's get started!

    7. Crème de Menthe. Take one shot of Creme de Menthe and mix it with 5 ounces of orange juice, serve over ice. This drink, the Aussie Mozzie, is high class in a high ball glass! Replace that OJ with 4 ounces of club soda and your guests will be swilling Cold Showers on a warm May day. If it happens to actually be hot outside, why not throw that shot of CdM into a blender with a splash of milk and three scoops of chocolate ice cream? Frozen Girl Scouts for everybody.

    6. Blue Curacao. Let's move on to your second weekend well staple. Pour 2 shots of Blue Curacao over ice into that highball glass and fill with milk. Your guests will go bananas over this drink, aptly named the Fruit Loop. For a classy yet naughty drink that's sure to get them loose, pour 1 shot of the Blue into a champagne flute, add a shot of grenadine and a dash of Bailey's Irish Creme, and top it off with Sprite. "My dear, would you like another Bloody Smurf Jizz?"

    5. Advocaat. This liqueur is egg-based, making it an excellent choice to kick off a full day of drinking. Mix one part Advocaat with one part Crème de Cacao and top with 7-Up. What the fuck? It's a Fluffy Duck.

    4. Crème de Bananes. Sunny days call for fruity drinks and this one fits the bill. A shot of Crème de Bananes, a half shot of orange liqueur, a dash of bitters, and an ounce of light cream will have your guests singing "I'm Your Venus" as they sip a refreshing Bananarama.

    3. Sloe Gin. Odds are that Tanqueray and Beefeater will be in short supply, but the shelves should have ample Sloe Gin, whatever the hell that is. But a shot of this with a shot of Kahlua over ice and topped with Half and Half will likely have your guests' drawers on the ground after a few of your Panty Droppers.

    2. Rye Whiskey. One usually associates Rye with Rueben sandwiches or "catcher's in the", but this whiskey will likely be readily available. Matching shots of rye and Kahlua topped with 4 ounces of milk yield a drink with a name I'm quite fond of: the Sneaky Pete.

    1. Everclear. It's been since high school and the Garbage Can Punch days since you've forced yourself to buy this flammable bastard, but it may be the only booze with bang-for-your-buck value come Memorial Day Weekend. It can also be used as a substitute for many other boozes. For instance, mix one part Everclear with one part each of vodka (replace with Everclear), gin (replace with Everclear), light rum (replace with Everclear), a splash of 7-Up, and top with Lemonade and you'll feel the force full of this well-named drink: The Bitch Slap.

    Running out of good booze doesn't have to be a problem if you know what to do with the oddball crap that would otherwise go unsold into June. Or you could just stick to beer and wine. No shortage there.

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