It wasn't exactly shocking when butter maven Paula Deen revealed she'd gone and given herself "the Sugars"-- aka type 2 diabetes-- last January. It was a little surprising she sat on the information for over three years and is now a pharmaceutical spokesperson for the drugs to treat the disease, all the while pimping the obscenely caloric recipes that have made her as ridiculously rich as the shit she cooks.
As good as some of the following items may taste, there is no doubt by eating them you are taking a major health risk. So why would anyone subscribe themselves to the Paula Deen diet plan? Maybe you're a recovering junkie who misses the ritual of shooting up so much you've got a hankering to sub insulin for street drugs or a trophy wife trying to do in your ancient husband or perhaps your partner has an insatiable prosthetic limb fetish? Maybe it's a combination of all three? Regardless, here are five of Paula's "home cooked delights" sure to fulfill even the biggest appetite for destruction:
These lil' bites of evil start with something wholesome and healthy (chicken breast) and shellac it with pure sickness. Think of them as the Toddlers and Tiaras of the appetizer world. Conscious cooking note: Be wary of recipes that include the word "dredge".
1 1/4 pounds boneless, skinless, chicken breasts (about 4 breasts)
1 (1-pound) package sliced bacon
2/3 cup firmly packed brown sugar
2 tablespoons chili powder
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Cut chicken breasts into 1-inch cubes. Cut each bacon slice into thirds. Wrap each chicken cube with bacon and secure with a wooden pick. Stir together brown sugar and chili powder. Dredge wrapped chicken in mixture. Coat a rack and broiler pan with nonstick cooking spray. Place chicken wrap on rack in broiler pan. Bake 350 for 30 to 35 minutes or until bacon is crisp.
If your lifelong wish is to have urine that smells of Frosted Flakes, consider Paula your fairy godmother....
6 ounces cream cheese, softened
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
2 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
2 cups sugar
8 large egg yolks
3/4 cup strong steeped orange pekoe tea, cooled
1 teaspoon grated lemon zest
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
2 tablespoons unbleached all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons cornmeal
1/2 teaspoon salt
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
For the crust: In a medium bowl, with an electric mixer, beat the cream cheese and butter until well combined. Add the flour and mix until the dough forms a ball. Pat the dough into a 9-inch pie pan. Chill until ready to use.
For the filling: In a medium bowl, with an electric mixer, beat the butter and sugar at medium speed until light. Add the yolks 1 at a time, beating at low speed until well incorporated. Slowly add the tea. Add lemon zest and lemon juice. Scrape down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula. Add the flour, cornmeal, and salt and mix well.
Pour the mixture into the prepared crust. Bake until set, about 45 minutes. Cool completely on a wire rack, and then chill for 2 hours before serving.
Guaranteed to keep The Price is Right rich with advertisers for years to come, this dish alone has sold enough diabetic supplies to pay for Wilford Brimley's condo in Boca.
1 loaf French bread (13 to 16 ounces)
8 large eggs
2 cups half-and-half
1 cup milk
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
Praline Topping, recipe follows
Slice French bread into 20 slices, 1-inch each. (Use any extra bread for garlic toast or bread crumbs). Arrange slices in a generously buttered 9 by 13-inch flat baking dish in 2 rows, overlapping the slices. In a large bowl, combine the eggs, half-and-half, milk, sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt and beat with a rotary beater or whisk until blended but not too bubbly. Pour mixture over the bread slices, making sure all are covered evenly with the milk-egg mixture. Spoon some of the mixture in between the slices. Cover with foil and refrigerate overnight.
The next day, preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Spread Praline Topping evenly over the bread and bake for 40 minutes, until puffed and lightly golden. Serve with maple syrup.
1/2 pound (2 sticks) butter
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1 cup chopped pecans
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
Combine all ingredients in a medium bowl and blend well. Makes enough for Baked French Toast Casserole.
Yes, you just read the words Peanut Butter Cheese Fudge. If you are wondering who in the world this recipe appeals to, this (unedited, sic) comment from the Food Network blog should clue you in:
"LOVE IT!!!!! I don't think I added enought powdered sugar it didn't stiffen, but I added a little more and it finally did... it is in the fridge now... waiting to see how it sets by tomorrow... but I licked my fingers and it was super yummy! I think that the other reviews are crazy if they didn't rate this high... I think that maybe they didn't use the right chees or something... only valveeta will work.... Thanks Paula I love you!!"
1/2 pound sliced easy-melt cheese (recommended: Velveeta)
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup creamy peanut butter
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup chopped nuts
2 (16-ounce) boxes confectioners' sugar
Lightly spray the bottom of a 9 by 2-inch square pan with nonstick cooking spray. In a saucepan over medium heat, melt cheese and butter together, then add peanut butter and stir until smooth. Remove from heat and add vanilla and nuts.
Empty confectioners' sugar into a large bowl and pour cheese mixture over sugar. Stir until completely mixed. Candy will be very stiff.
Using your hands, remove candy from the bowl and press evenly and firmly into the pan. Because of the amount of butter in this recipe, pat top of candy with a paper towel to remove excess oil. Place the pan in refrigerator until candy is firm.
To serve, cut into squares.
Just in case the previous recipe wasn't unholy enough for you, here is the grandmother of all gratuitous cooking. I'm not sure what kind of "ladies" Paula's providing brunch for, but muumuu clad shut-ins might be a good guess. My favorite part of this dish is that is served as part of a meal that includes Chocolate Chip Pancakes with a rich Cinnamon Cream, Baked Garlic Cheese Grits AND..."For something on the lighter side, Paula's putting together a Fruit and Yogurt Parfait"... because a little fruit and yogurt will certainly undo what has to be the 5,000 other calories you've got on your plate.
It must have been one intensively glorious diabetic coma where the Deen dreamed up this bacon and egg topped burger on a Krispy Kreme bun.
1 1/2 pounds ground beef
3 tablespoons freshly chopped parsley leaves
2 tablespoons grated onion
House Seasoning, recipe follows
2 tablespoons butter
6 slices bacon, cooked
3 hamburger buns
3 English muffins
6 glazed donuts
Mix the ground beef, chopped parsley and grated onion together in a large mixing bowl. Season liberally, with House Seasoning. Form 3 hamburger patties.
Heat a large cast iron skillet over medium-high heat and spray with non-stick cooking spray. Add the burgers and cook until desired temperature, 4 to 5 minutes per side for medium-rare.
Fry bacon in a hot pan until crisp. Remove and drain on paper towels. Set aside.
While burgers are cooking, heat a non-stick pan, over medium heat. Add 2 tablespoons butter. Crack 3 eggs into the pan. Cook until the yolks are just set and still slightly runny and remove.
Place burger patties on English muffins or buns, and if desired, on glazed donuts, as the buns. Top each burger with 2 pieces of bacon and a fried egg.
1 cup salt
1/4 cup black pepper
1/4 cup garlic powder
Mix ingredients together and store in an airtight container for up to 6 months.
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