The latest invention to come across aspiring entrepreneurs' "fuck, why didn't I think of that first?!" radar is Jason Burke's Vegas-based Hangover-Helper Bus, where, for massively hungover Sin Citians (for a day or a lifetime), "treatment can take less than an hour for a $90 basic IV of saline solution, B vitamins and vitamin C."
If that won't cut it, "A premium package, $150, includes two bags. For an extra fee, Burke will bring treatment to a tourist's hotel room. Burke administers the prescription anti-inflammatory Ketorolac or Toradol for pain and Zofran, also known as Ondansetron, for nausea. Acid heartburn can be treated with over-the-counter ranitidine. Patients get a shot of the anesthetic Lidocaine to numb the skin before the IV needle is inserted."
Rolling the prototype boozebulance through Vegas is a "no shit" proposition. But what if Burke were to expand to Seattle--or, likelier, what if an opportunistic Swedish nurse (I'm lookin' at YOU, Lumpia!) shamelessly ripped off his idea? Where would be the best places for our Hangover-Helper bus to park and relieve the dehydrated masses? We consulted a handful of local experts--bar owners and the like--for a list of our top five locales.
Before we get to the quintet of potential bus stops, for those of you who think Burke's prices are, like everything that stays in Vegas, a tad exorbitant, Blue Moon talent booker Jason Josephes totally agrees with you, saying: "Ninety bucks to cure a hangover? For that kind of money, I'll come to your house with Gatorade and aspirin. And then I'll leave because your lack of financial prudence will make me sad and slightly more wealthy."
Also, back in 2005 when I lived in St. Louis, I totally saw this bus coming! Or at least I listed an IV drip of the sort Burke is administering as a supreme hangover cure, writing in the Riverfront Times: "Per my friend Jason, whose bro recently returned from a tour of duty in Iraq: 'My little brother's got probably the best overall hangover cure, thanks to Uncle Sam. Apparently he and his [Army] Ranger buddies would come in the morning after a royal bender and grab saline IVs from the medics, inject their forearms and squeeze the hell out of the IV bag -- basically rehydrating in under a minute...Ever since he told me about it -- and he swears it's the miracle cure -- I've been wondering how civilians can get in on the action.'"
Thanks to Burke, now they can. And if such a bus were to roll into Seattle, it would make stops at...
5. At least half our panelists suggested the bus secure a stall at the Fremont Sunday Market, giving hungover zombies tethered to their sober girlfriends' arms the juice to actually focus on wicker bracelets rather than space out.
4. Says Tony Boitano, former owner of the beloved Luau Polynesian Lounge in Tangletown (now The Burgundian), "I think the best location would be somewhere in the U-District, maybe right out front of the Orange King or Earl's. I'd say the Knarr, but it's too far North for hungover frat kids to walk too."
3. Mike Semandiris of Mike's Chili Parlor recommends that the Hangover Helper park amongst tailgaters at Seahawk Games. Not only did tippling fans likely hit it hard in Pioneer Square or downtown Renton the night before, they're going to need to suck it up for the Sunday pregame as well to ensure their ability to rock out with their Hawks out. And nothing encourages sucking it up/rocking it out like taking on intravenous fluids.
2. 12th & Pike, Capitol Hill. Stopping the hangover bus in the epicenter of Seattle's most dense, gay, carless and childless neighborhood is almost as much of a no-brainer as launching the venture in Vegas.
1. "Outside all the Mars Hill 'churches,' 'cause whatever they are drinking there must be wicked strong," says 5 Point and Big Mario's owner Dave Meinert. Other panelists expressed similar sentiments about Mark Driscoll's neuvo-misogynistic alterna-cult, and since virtually all our respondents suggested that the bus stop near Ballard Avenue, we'll recommend it park in front of the Ballard Mars Hill, across the street from Mike's Chili Parlor.