The Dinner: a hearty turkey sandwich from The Ugly Mug (1309 NE 43rd St).

The Movie: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 ,


Twilight's Bella Swan Would've Eaten at the Ugly Mug -- Before She Became a Vampire

The Dinner: a hearty turkey sandwich from The Ugly Mug (1309 NE 43rd St).

The Movie: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1, shown at the Metro Cinema.

The Screenplate: Raise your hand if you saw The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1! No? Nobody else was dragged to one of the showings by their overzealous "I act like I'm not into the series but I actually am" friends? Oh. Well, it's a good thing that I'm here to tell you what you missed: a gratuitous amount of blood, shots of good looking people standing around being good looking and only that, and uh, teenager-baby romance. Yeah, you read that last one right.

First, let me admit this: that movie wasn't completely awful. In fact, watching Breaking Dawn was kind of enjoyable, in that awful way polishing off an entire bag of junk food in one sitting is simultaneously horrifying and enjoyable. They're both guilty pleasures that make you feel gross, gross, gross afterward.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) finally get hitched. Which means that they can finally have sex, and that Bella can finally turn into a vampire.

Their long-anticipated wedding, which seems to stretch on forever in the movie, is like a gathering of good looking people (vampires) standing around being good looking and only that.

It's pretty scenery, though. White mossy tendrils hang from trees in a Lothlorien-esque wooded area, and flower petals carpet the ground. Everybody speaks in hushed tones, and epic, dramatic orchestral music hums in the background - something about this wedding seems magical. So magical that one can't help but wonder how many people will be having Twilight-themed weddings in the coming year.

Then, in what seems like a pivotal turning point in the whole Twilight series, Bella and Edward consummate their marriage. By having sex. And by breaking a bed. And by getting Bella pregnant - she feels their demonic vampire-human baby's kick almost immediately. This same half-human, half-vampire baby happens to be killing Bella, because it's too strong for her human body. Edward wants to get rid of the baby. Bella doesn't. Meanwhile, the Quileutes (werewolves) are outraged that Bella and Edward are bringing a human-vampire mix into the world, which they think will be a threat to their pack and the townspeople. And Jacob (also known as the shirtless Taylor Lautner), is heartbroken over Bella's marriage to Edward.

Up until this point, the series' author, Stephenie Meyers, kept the pre-marital dirty out of her pages, likely because she wanted to drive home the whole NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE idea to her audience. And then, when the deed finally happens, it turns out to be violent and immediately produces a baby. It's as if Meyers is trying to impregnate her audience with the moral idea that sex isn't pleasurable - its only purpose is to create more life.

The actual production was equally cringe inducing. The talking CGI wolves with Megatron voices were laughable. Bella's pregnancy was plain ridiculous -- the amount of blood shown in various forms (like, er, in a Styrofoam cup) was excessive and gory. And that scene where Jacob lays eyes on Bella and Edward's newborn baby, who's supposedly his soulmate, for the first time is just plain weird. There'll be more of that in Breaking Dawn - Part 2, I'm sure.

The Ugly Mug seems like a place where Bella would've gone to grab coffee and a sandwich before she met Edward. There's nothing fancy about it, and yet it's charming in a quirky, Grandma's living room way. In fact, this coffee shop reminds me of the interior of Bella's childhood home - white-walled rooms with simple, wooden décor.

This U-District coffee shop is known for its reasonably priced, gigantic sandwiches, and its tasty lavender chais. The sandwiches are really something to rave about. A "half" sandwich is priced at just under $5, and is actually the size of a normal sandwich. And a "whole" sandwich has a price tag of about $9, and is actually an order of two sandwiches. The turkey sandwich, with shredded carrots, lettuce, and a house mayonnaise, is surely something that would make any vampire wish they ate real food.

Unfortunately for Bella and Edward, the Ugly Mug doesn't serve blood in Styrafoam cups, so they'd have to go elsewhere for that.

Follow Voracious on Facebook & Twitter.

comments powered by Disqus

Friends to Follow