Greatest Hits and What You Missed: Fake Food, Cake Rage, Long Goodbyes, and a Big F.U. to Adam Richman


"Replica foods are in a class all their own. They're intriguing, weird, gross when dusty, and just plain funny. In a window, or on a dessert cart for display, or even on a buffet line, you want to touch it--just to make sure it's not real. The suppliers are everywhere, and we can feel a really expensive yet epic April Fools' Day joke in the works here . . . While many of the plastic party trays make reasonable sense, we found some funnies that were just too good to keep to ourselves."

From this week's review of fake foods, called "7 Funny Faux Foods."


"Hemp milk, hailed for its nutrient-dense, high-essential-fatty-acid, high-calcium properties, steams like a dream. Regardless of what you think of the flavor, there is no room to argue about the difference between the latte "art" produced with rice milk and that produced with hemp. Boasting a texture far more similar to cow's milk, hemp milk has a flavor reminiscent of soy milk's "earthiness," but is markedly easier for most people to digest. Plus, adding hemp to your coffee makes you seem inherently hip."

Getting hip with hemp at Neptune Coffee.


"After a little more than a year on the ground here in the PNW, I am shortly going to be taking my leave of Seattle and Seattle Weekly . . . "

From "A Premature Goodbye," my early farewell to the city of Seattle.


"The Challenge: The famous 12-egg omelet that Man vs. Food's Adam Richman--a man who polished off a 72-ounce steak with as much gusto as he did a two-gallon ice-cream sundae--wasn't able to finish. OK, he had chili and sour cream in his omelet, but still. As if 12 unborn chickens weren't enough, the omelet is served with a mountain of hash browns and eight pieces of butter-soaked toast. You can add whatever you want to your omelet, everything from chili to smoked salmon. I stuck to tomatoes and onions, because, well, isn't four pounds of food enough for you sick bastards?"

From the debut of Julien v. Food, in which our 108-lb eating machine takes down a 12-egg omelet at Beth's.


"That's right, it's time to talk dough, people, and not just any dough--deep-fried, iced, sugared, filled, dipped, dusted, and dunked. When last we discussed Seattle's Top Five Lattes, there was quite an uproar along the lines of a room full of people who hadn't yet had their morning latte. Luckily there were a few caffeinated wardens to keep the wolfpack in line and slap some sense into them! We can only hope this endeavor is as lucky. Might we suggest you reread our recent picks for Top 5 lattes after this, and then make a morning of it this weekend? Just let us know what time we should meet you there. You're buying."

From "Seattle's Top 5 Donuts". Get 'em while they're hot.


"I have made a lot of jokes in the past about trashing taquerias for running out of carnitas, setting fire to Olive Garden franchises, and punching nuns standing between me and the last breakfast burrito. Most of these threats are hyperbole. Some are just wishful daydreaming. In all my years of eating and writing about food, I have yet to wreck up a cheeseburger stand that ran out of bacon or cherry milkshakes, or assault a sushi roller just because he fucked up my salmon skin roll. That kind of thing takes a whole different level of arrogance than I possess (an almost Charlie Sheen-y level of self-love and ego, one might say). Or maybe I've just never had a day bad enough where a missing bite of something was enough to send me over the edge.

But it happens, you know? There are YouTube videos of people going nuts at the McDonald's drive-thru when they can't get their McNuggets or McMuffins, and plenty of stories of the mentally unbalanced going completely over the edge when they can't get their donuts, tacos, or pie fast enough. But across the pond in Wales? Well, apparently, those people are just crazy."

From "This Is How You're Going to Die: Cake Rage."


"I love me some towering onion rings from Red Robin. My arteries and hindquarters, on the other hand, do not. Now that most restaurants provide you with calorie counts, it's becoming harder and harder to ignore how unhealthy many chain-restaurant meals can be. My beloved Red Robin onion rings? One order, along with two different dipping sauces, contains a whopping 1,773 calories. (According to a report published by the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion in 2010, depending on one's weight, height, amount of physical activity engaged in each day, the average man should consume between 2,000 and 3,000 calories per day. The average woman should consume between 1,600 and 2,400 calories per day.)

Chowing down on such a calorie laden meals gets can get you to wondering: How far would you have to walk to work it all off? "

From this week's edition of "Walk It Out."

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