Wanna Be on Top Chef? Read On . . .

Padma can hold my octopus any day.
Bravo has a total golden goose with their Top Chef franchise. But in order to keep that goose laying, they have to constantly feed it knife-wielding men and women in white jackets. Making it some kind of huge, carnivorous goose . . . or something.

Anyway, the point is that yesterday Bravo announced both season two of Top Chef: Just Desserts and Top Chef season nine. And since it appears that our Strategic National Reserve of Television Chefs is running a bit low, they also announced open casting calls in almost a dozen cities across the country. And guess what? Seattle is one of those cities.

So you wanna be on Top Chef? Details after the jump.

The casting calls are taking place in Houston, New York, Austin, Philadelphia, Charleston, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Seattle (because apparently they're not interested in Southerners this time around, or anyone from the Mountain West). Locally, they're holding their dog-and-pony show at the Hotel 1000 on Wednesday, March 9, from 10 a.m.-2 p.m.

But here's the even awesome-er thing. The application form required for all potential contestants? It's a fucking novel. The thing weighs in at 25 pages, and buried within are some interesting clues about the mechanics of the show--like the requirement that all contestants be available for three to five weeks beginning April, 2011 (shooting time for the show); disclose any and all currently active restraining orders; be willing to undergo a psychiatric evaluation; and have a valid passport. And then there's that legendary confidentiality clause, which is just as frightening as everyone has always claimed, requiring the payment of millions of dollars by anyone who gives away any details about the show prior to its airing, and millions more if they talk about the finale. Ouch.

Oh, and then there's the part where they ask how you would create a dish inspired by the color blue . . .

Anyway, you can check out the full application (in PDF form) here. And in case you've been living in a box for the last nine years and don't know anything about this Top Chef business, you can find all the information you need on its Bravo TV website.

And in the meantime, start sharpening those knives, chefs (and thinking about what the color blue means to you), because Colicchio and company are coming to town.

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