Four Loko Is for Wussies. I Got Me a Can of Scotch Whisky!

One can of Four Loko packs the kick of about five beers. There's a little bit of caffeine in there. Some Chinese crazy juice, a dash of wolverine semen, a sprinkling of ground-up unicorn horn, whatever. But mostly, it's malt liquor and caffeine in one big-ass can, plus all that yummy natural watermelon flavor. And that was enough to get it banned like it was radioactive, and talked about as though every can contained a live leprechaun that made everyone's worst drunken nightmares come true.

That was yesterday. Today, there's something even better.

That picture right there? That's of a new product from Scottish/Panamanian liquor distiller and bottler, Scottish Spirits: Whisky in a Can. And it is . . .

Well, it's a can full of whisky, is what it is. A beer-can-sized-can filled with 12 ounces of the kind of high-quality brown liquor that can only be produced in the land of lochs and fog and bagpipes . . . Panama.

This, straight from the Scottish Spirits website: "Scottish Spirits Ltd has exported its whiskies around the world since 1896. Today, with a distribution center in Panama serving Latin America and the Caribbean, our company bottles over 1 million cases per year and we expect to reach 5 million cases by 2012. We are currently looking to create strategic alliances and to appoint exclusive licensees worldwide in order to further expand the Scottish Spirits Ltd brand."

So what exactly is one supposed to do with an un-resealable can of 12 shots of Panamanian whisky? Drink it, of course. It's the kind of thing you can bring with you to all the places where hauling out a bottle of whisky is inconvenient. Like the beach, maybe (because who doesn't love warm whisky at the beach?). Or church. Or the movies. The new Scottish Spirits product is the best thing to happen to indiscriminate alcoholics since the hip flask.

In addition to canned liquor, the company (which also has offices in Glasgow) also produces "Russian" vodka, straight ethyl alcohol (for those drinkers unconcerned with little things like smoothness, flavor, or sudden blindness), Scottish tequila (made from the hardy agave of the moors), and, weirdly, non-alcoholic whisky--Halal-approved and targeted specifically at Muslim consumers and anyone else who wants all the delicious, smoky flavor of a glass of Scotch whisky with none of that pesky fun.

Currently, the Scottish Spirits brand is only available in Latin America and the Caribbean, but with a product like canned whisky and the whole Muslim scotch-lover market already taken care of, I think it's only a matter of time before we're seeing Scottish Spirits everywhere.

Or at least everywhere that "budget whisky" is sold.

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