There's something really special about pop--I mean soda--I mean soda pop? Whatever you called it as a kid, it was always a sticky, messy, carbonated treat leading, inevitably, to the infamous burping wars with your siblings and friends. (Not to brag, but we could get all the way to the letter F on one burp in the AlphaBurp game.) Whether your favorite was something classic like root beer or a little more rampage-inducing like Mountain Dew, chances are you had, or still have, a go-to. Our personal favorite? The "tornado," which combined every flavor in the fountain-drink dispenser. I'm sure our parents probably thought we were a tornado after drinking that 32 oz. cavity in a cup. We researched some of the most repulsive flavors on the market now, and the kid in us just couldn't help but share them with you!
For whatever reason, bacon gum and Band-Aids weren't enough, so the folks over at Jones went ahead and stepped over the line (in our opinion wayyy over), with the gag-maker now known as Bacon Soda.
Credit: Jones Soda
(Insert puking noise here) No, really. We heard from reliable sources, and also saw on YouTube, people's stomachs literally rejecting this bitter Coke product. Found primarily in Italy, it contains quinine, a quirky little alkaloid that has pain-killing properties--if you can keep it down. If you're stateside and making your annual pilgrimage to Epcot, you can find Beverly on the fountain machine at Club Cool.
If pop (or "soda," depending which coast you're from) is supposed to be a sugary, sweet treat, then why on earth would you taint it by making it taste like celery?! There probably is some odd, refreshing aspect to this red-headed stepchild of the usual favorites like Dr. Pepper and cherry Coke, but if we're spending calories on pop, it's definitely not going to be on a celery-flavored one.
Credit: Dr. Brown's Soda
The fact that this pale yellow pop is orange and pineapple flavored and has a kitty on the front really gives us no solace from the idea of drinking cat pee. This is probably marketed to the tween boys who still think everything gross is cool, until that 8th-grade bully teases them at afternoon recess by pouring the whole bottle of Kitty Piddle over their heads. This is how cruel nicknames are created, kids--pay attention.
Credit: Avery's Beverages
Tofurky & Gravy Soda.
Thanksgiving in a cup? What are we, 90? If you keep it down more than five minutes, do you get it for free? Nothing makes me shudder more than the flavor of liquid meat laced with carbonation. (Come to think of it, what do you think those burps are like?)
Credit: Jones Soda