Sandra Lee v. a Pale-Throated Sloth, With a Surprise Winner

Three Toed Sloth.jpg
Doesn't know shit about tablescapes.
I was originally going to write a scathing commentary about how bad Sandra Lee sucks, but in the course of doing research I discovered that I really didn't give a shit. After all, many, many people have written many, many words about how much they hate her guts. I, however, came to the conclusion that while Sandra Lee isn't that great, she still doesn't offend me. If emotions were like locations which could be checked into via Foursquare, I'd have to say I just became Mayor of Surprised as Fuck!

I admit that her technique lacks refinement. Her "French porkchops" look like they belong floating in a glass jar of formaldehyde on the dusty shelf of a museum of oddities. Her recipe for "Chicken Marsala" seemed woefully incorrect until I realized that it was, in fact, a recipe for Chicken Masala. And to anyone foolish enough to actually drink one of her syrupy cocktails, the muffled "nooo..." you just heard came from your pancreas. I must give her credit, though, because she's somehow overcome the greatest technological hurdle since space travel: She's figured out a way to make ice cream resemble a baked potato! Ferran Adria, take notes.

Still, it's possible to derive some entertainment from this. You can save yourself a lot of angst if you think about it in a certain way. Just treat her existence the way newscasters respond after they report that a tsunami hit some foreign land: cluck your tongue, shake your head, distantly mutter "So tragic," then immediately focus your attention upon a story about a dog that wears sunglasses. Besides, if you're reading this, you probably already know a thing or two about cuisine. Chances are you don't take Sandra Lee's advice seriously, and you can thus regard her recipes as the culinary equivalent of Jackass.

Plus, despite the fact that she dresses like what I imagine Raggedy Ann would look like if she were a hooker, I think Sandra Lee has some hidden depth. After all, her boyfriend is New York governor Andrew Cuomo. If a morose Frankenstein like Cuomo can catch her eye, she's obviously not completely superficial. I bet when they get off work they sit together in front of a roaring fire, reading Goethe and drinking brandy they recovered from an ancient shipwreck.

I was initially going to pit Sandra Lee versus a three-toed sloth, and in the spirit of following directions, I still will. The pale-throated sloth (Bradypus tridactylus) lives in the rainforests of Central and South America. These animals spend their entire lives in trees, venturing down to the ground only once a week to shit and piss. It would seem easier for them to simply let their turds drop to the ground from the treetop, but the sound of falling crap nuggets could attract predators. Instead, the sloths spread their shit around on the ground. Sandra Lee, on the other hand, prefers to spread HER shit all over a table top. A sloth's fur is coated with a layer of algae, which symbiotically provides it with nutrients while offering the sloth camouflage. Sandra Lee blends into her surroundings too, but it's usually because she changes the curtains in her studio to match her shirt. And the sloth eats only leaves, while Sandra Lee subsists entirely on alcohol.

So who wins? Let's give it to Sandra Lee. The sloth just can't rock the d├ęcolletage as effectively.

 
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