2) Quietly, in your sleep, at the ripe old age of 275
3) Atop or beneath the supermodel of your choosing
And the bad ones are so numerous as to make listing them pointless. I mean, is being eaten by a shark better or worse than being mauled by a bear? Is being mauled by a bear better or worse than being mauled by several poodles? I think it's safe to say that each of these is better than dying by drunken rectal eel insertion (it was a prank!), but really, it's just a matter of degree.
One thing I think we can all agree on, though, is that going out like this 67-year-old man did in Detroit yesterday...This, from the Detroit News:
"A 67-year-old man died Thursday after getting into a fight with a Burger King worker on the city's east side, police said.
The man was inside the fast-food location in the 2100 block of Gratiot about 2:30 p.m. when he fought with the 20-year-old employee, said Sgt. Eren Stephens of the Detroit Police Department. It wasn't clear what sparked the disagreement.
Police spokeswoman Yvette Walker says the older man was reportedly causing a disturbance and tried to hit the employee, and the employee swung back.
The worker delivered a punch that may have caused the man to choke on his dentures, police said. The unidentified victim died at a hospital."
Among all the bad ways to go, choking on your own dentures after getting socked in the face by a Burger King employee has got to be one of the worst. Not THE worst (that whole eel-in-the-ass thing still makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it), but really up there.
Thanks to Eater.com for the heads-up on this one.
UPDATE: The death of the 67-year-old, apparently homeless man has now been ruled a homicide. An autopsy has confirmed that the victim, Paul Cannon, died from blunt force trauma to the head, according to Dennis Niemiec, a spokesman for the Wayne County medical examiner's office, and NOT from swallowing his own dentures, as was initially reported. The 20-year-old employee who did the punching is currently being held by police. No charging decision has yet been made.
And not that the story was exactly funny before, but it was kind of tragically, darkly humorous. I mean, of all the ways to go... But anyway, now that there's no dentures involved (and now that it's an active homicide case), it's certainly less funny now.
Still better than the eel in the ass, though. So there's something.