There was a very brief post on Eater this morning, linking back to a week-old story in The Independent, referencing an even earlier story from the Japan Times, detailing the latest (but far from craziest) food item that Japanese people are willing to pay a premium for: Mozart Bananas.
What are Mozart Bananas, you ask? Well let me tell you.
Mozart Bananas are plain old bananas, bought green in the Philipines by the company Toyoka Chuo Seika, then shipped to Japan and stored in special ripening rooms where Mozart is played continuously for one week--mostly String Quartet 17 and Piano Concerto 5 in D major, apparently. The result (say the folks from Toyoka Chuo Seika, at least) is a sweeter banana and a price of 300 yen per bunch.
Bananas are not the only food item which the Japanese subject to classical music. According to the Japan Times, "Over the past few decades, a wide variety of foods and beverages have been exposed to classical vibrations -- soy sauce in Kyoto, udon noodles in Tokyo, miso in Yamagata Prefecture, maitake mushrooms in Ishikawa Prefecture and "Beethoven Bread" in Nagoya, Aichi Prefecture, to name a few." And because the Japanese are obviously willing to pay extra for the effect of having their foodstuffs exposed to various media inputs, this obviously got me thinking about how I could
make a buck add to the betterment of our food supply here in the United States. To wit, my list of 7 Media-Infused Food Products, which I hope to have on the shelves before Christmas...
1. Flock of Apples
Farm-fresh apples, ripened to nothing but the best of '80's synth-pop and New Wave classics. Every single basket of Flock of Apples will be subjected to no less than 300 consecutive hours of Flock of Seagulls, Human League, Modern English and Gary Numan before being shipped directly to you.
2. Grandpa Sheehan's Pre-Crash Austerity Biscuits
Sure, Grandpa Sheehan's Pre-Crash Austerity biscuits are nothing more than leftover biscuits harvested from the dumpster out behind the KFC. But really, these days, can you afford anything more?
The difference is, every batch of Grandpa Sheehan's Pre-Crash Austerity Biscuits are kept in a special room in my basement where 15 televisions run a continuous loop of Jim Cramer's Mad Money from back in June of 2004 where he shrieks and gibbers like a loon, telling everyone in America that they need to get out there and buy tech stocks, invest in Lehman Brothers and grab themselves a piece of this un-poppable real estate bubble, thus infusing each biscuit with the unconstrained optimism of pre-crisis America--back when everything was wonderful and we all crapped gold bricks on Easy Street.
3. Satan's Big-n-Horny Devil Stout
During the last stages of fermentation, every batch of Big-n-Horny is played endless sets of Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Slayer and Morbid Angel in order to imbue it with never before experienced levels of evil, bitterness and spite. In addition to the music, every twenty minutes for ten solid days, my dimwit, overweight, mulleted and head-banging cousin Larry will roll up in his clapped-out Camaro with the donut spare, honk the horn and yell, "SLAYER!" at the top of his lungs like he used to do when we were younger. Fuck knows it made me spiteful and bitter. I'm sure it will do the same for the beer.
4. Barry Maniloaf
Only the finest meatloaf, prepared with love and then infused with the delicate strains of "Copacabana," "I Write The Songs" and "Somewhere Down the Road." Barry Maniloaf is guaranteed to be the softest, tenderest, most inoffensive meatloaf you have ever tasted. Plus, your grandma might throw her panties at it.
The best bran and blueberry muffins you've ever tasted, baked in an oven flooded with the music of Bob Marley, The Maytals and Jimmy Cliff.
Also, I put some weed in them.
6. Pollan's Own Olde-Timey Country Roasters
Michael Pollan has always been an advocate of returning to the days of our grandparents, when everything was easier, better, simpler and more pure. Thus, I give you Pollan's Own Olde-Timey Country Roasters--heritage breed chickens, separated by color, fed nothing but the finest whiskey-soaked tobacco, casseroles and Oleo and played a charming mix of Big Band music interspersed with excerpts from the McCarthy Hearings. Oh, and as a special bonus, one in every 100 Pollan's Own chickens is infected with polio! See if you can guess which one...
7. Porno Ham
We take nothing but the best country ham, let it soak in our secret-recipe brine for ten days, and all the while we play it the nastiest, vilest, most disgusting Czechoslovakian hardcore pornography available, making Porno Ham the saltiest, meatiest, porkiest ham on the market.
Porno Ham! Ask for it by name. (Sold bone-in only. Not available in Utah.)