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"If you haven't been paying attention this month, you might be thinking that a few dudes in town fell head over heels for their Tom

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Greatest Hits and What You Missed: Bacon, Dumplings, Liquor and Porn

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"If you haven't been paying attention this month, you might be thinking that a few dudes in town fell head over heels for their Tom Selleck Halloween costumes. That's right, Seattle: November has been rebranded Movember and its path of destruction has caused some perfectly upstanding citizens to look like full-on pedophiles.

Don't worry, I'm not here to complain that it's completely unfair that (most) women in the PNW can't grow a 'stache. I'm also not going to wax poetic that we're forced to settle for ridiculous Facebook status updates proclaiming 'I like it in my trunk'."

Just a little something from "The Best Use for Your New Flavor Saver: Holding Beer"--a Booze News special report on National Mustache Month and drinking for a cause (prostate cancer awareness, in this case).

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"Din Tai Fung essentially made a name for itself selling xiao long bao, otherwise known as soup dumplings--the kind with the soup on the inside. And there are plenty of people out there who would claim that Din Tai Fung serves the best soup dumplings in the world. Or if not the best, then at least the benchmark--the xiao long bao to which all other xiao long bao are compared, thin-skinned and juicy, hand-made in every shop by cooks whose only job is to make dumplings by the hundreds and thousands every single day, and offered in all sorts of varieties."

From "Din Tai Fung: A First Look," all about the new Bellevue dumpling shop (with locations in L.A., Taiwan, Japan, et cetera) which had people waiting three hours just for a mouthful of dumplings.

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"La Bendición (2544 Beacon Ave., S., 329-1039), as the distinctly Spanish-sounding name implies, caters mostly the hill's Hispanic population. It sells a variety of Mexican basics--beans, queso, and home-made tortillas. But in a nod to its neighbors, La Bendición also sells Asian candies, including sugary marshmallow ice cream cones filled with jelly."

Because who wouldn't want some marshmallow ice cream cones filled with jelly for dessert after a couple of wicked good tamales? You can read all about it in the Cafe Car report on La Bendición entitled "Eat the Chocolate-Covered Chicken, Avoid the Asian Candy".

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"Since the dawn of civilization (and cuisine), bacon has been there for us. In the morning and in the evening, at dawn and at dusk, whether in a starring role on the plate or merely lingering in the background, bacon has done its duty. It is our go-to protein, our favorite meat, proof that the food gods love us and want us to be happy.

But for as long as there has been bacon, man has had a problem: how to give back to bacon for all the many things it has done for us. How to return the joy it has offered to us. How to show bacon that we love it as much as it loves us."

Well now there is a way with the new, plush, talking and huggable bacon from Thinkgeek.com, discussed in grossly inappropriate terms in "At Long Last, Huggable Bacon."

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This is Loiseau, before the suicide, of course...

"Loiseau, too, was under pressure. He'd recently completed $10 million renovations to La Cote D'Or. He'd also recently lost points in the 2003 edition of the GaultMillau guide, being demoted from 19 to 17 points out of 20. Plus, by the early part of this century, nouvelle cuisine was old news; Asian fusion had been sweeping France since the mid 1990's. "Asian fusion?" the incredulous reader might ask, "really?" The answer is yes: a pile of cold buckwheat noodles with a slice of seared Ahi and some sesame seeds might seem like the kind of thing lazy wine bars use to pad their menus, but 20 years ago that shit was revolutionary. Strange things were popular in the 1990's, if you recall, and while in 2010 fusion might seem like the Dave Matthews Band of food, back then it was hot shit, just like the Dave Matthews Band of music."

From "Vatel v. Loiseau: Whose Suicide Was More Justifiable," a discussion of two famous suicide cases, Bernard Loiseau and Francois Vatel, and which death was more justifiable in the mind of the Surly Gourmand. No, I'm not going to tell you who won (or lost, depending on how you look at it).

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"You can lick the screen. We won't tell."

Just one of the shots from this week's Burger Porn slideshow that is already tearing up the internets with its awesomeness.

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"$11.99 buys you one can of delicious unicorn, all full of magic and sparkles.

Oh, but there's a catch..."

I think you can guess what it is. But if you can't, just check out "When the Magical Becomes Real: Unicorn Meat For Sale" for all the answers.

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"At approximately 10 p.m., Bob returned to his apartment near campus, took off all his clothes, and put on a luchadore wrestling mask. He then walked through a back alley to an all-night diner, sat down naked, pissed on the floor, and ordered a bowl of tapioca pudding before a friend who recognized him succeeded in convincing the proprietor not to call the cops, mopped up his piss, put a jacket on Bob and walked his drunk ass home.

Somehow, Bob's debacle stayed out of the news. He's lucky he wasn't partying in the bustling mountain metropolis of Roslyn, where several Central Washington University students embarked upon a Four Loko drinkathon that would ultimately grab the attention of the highest reaches of American government--which is simply pathetic."

An excerpt from "Four Loko Bans Represent Government at Its Worst"--an otherwise sane and rational discussion of the FDA's ruling on Four Loko and the new statewide ban.

"Like cooking meth, deep-frying a turkey can be done by amateurs, but probably shouldn't be. In both cases, the odds of something exploding and lots of people getting hurt are very high, and the chance of the whole thing going off without a hitch and turning out perfectly is slim.

And yet every year around this time, you just can't turn on the damn TV without some wheezing knucklehead in a wrinkled chef's coat going on the local news and telling everyone how "the big trend this year is deep-frying your turkey!"

I have to believe the men and women of the fire department just head right to the trucks whenever they see something like this on TV, not even bothering to wait for the alarm to go off."

From "7 Stupid Things We've 'Learned' From Food Television". This was number 3. The rest of them are even worse.

 
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