Food Porn for the Lethally Obese: Introducing Dunkin' Donuts SausageCake Chunkers (*Not A Real Name)

Photo courtesy Dunkin' Donuts

Look, I love Dunkin' Donuts. My passion for the (mostly) East Coast coffee-and-donut chain has been well-established in print. And there are still days when I would punch a nun in the face if she was standing between me and the last plain glazed in the DD's bakery case at five in the morning.

But because I love the place so much, I think I am eminently qualified--nay, duty-bound--to speak up when I think that one of our nation's treasures is kinda going off the rails a little bit.

Which they are right now with the introduction of their new breakfast item, the Dunkin' Donuts SausageCake Chunker Pancake Bites (pictured above).

In case you can't tell by the delicious photo, what a SausageCake Chunker (or "Meat Munchkin," according to Gothamist) is, is a nice, glistening, fatty chunk of sausage wrapped up inside a puffy jacket of maple-flavored pseudo-pancake. Think of it like a pork truffle. Or a sausage bonbon. That you eat for breakfast.

This crime against nature and cuisine is being rolled out nationwide right now, as part of the continuing effort by major fast-food retailers to turn everything we eat into bite-sized amalgamations of once-traditional meals. Sez the Dunkin' Donuts press office:

"Dunkin' Donuts' Pancake Bites are portable, bite-sized sausage links wrapped in a maple flavored pancake. A serving of three Pancake Bites is available for the suggested retail price of $1.59, while two servings are available for the suggested retail price of only $3.00. Pancake Bites are available for a limited time at participating Dunkin' Donuts restaurants throughout the country.

According to Dunkin' Brands' Executive Chef Stan Frankenthaler, Dunkin' Donuts' Pancake Bites meet people's increasing need for new ways to enjoy breakfast on the go. 'Everyone loves a traditional pancake and sausage breakfast, but in our typical busy day it's almost impossible to find the time it takes to sit down and enjoy it. With our new Pancake Bites, we've put the traditional taste of pancakes and sausage into a portable, poppable snack that you can take with you on the go, in the car, at work or any time day or night,' he said."

You know what I don't have? "An increasing need for new ways to enjoy breakfast on the go." I am as busy as the next guy. My schedule is just as crowded as anyone's. I am sometimes forced to eat on the go. Often, I have to rush through meals because I have other, urgent things that need doing (which, in my unique case, are often other meals that require eating). But you know what I truly need? Time for an actual pancakes-and-sausage breakfast. I need the leisure to sit down and enjoy breakfast, made skillfully by human hands, served to me in a form that doesn't involve shoving anything inside anything else and described without the use of the word "poppable."

I mean, what's next? When offering your customers a bag of hot-and-processed sausage balls isn't quite fast enough, will Dunkin' Donuts franchises start installing air cannons at the drive-thru so that employees can just fire SausageCake Chunkers into your mouth as you drive by? Will there come a day when the fast food people decide that actual chewing requires too much effort from their cowish and sedentary customers, so just begin turning entire meals into a high-fat slurry that can be delivered via fire hose to an entire dining room at once?

I'm not saying that Pancake Bites are the end of the world. But they are just another small step down the slippery slope toward the complete Wall-E-facation of the human animal. It's probably not too late to turn back now, but before long, this is what we all have to look forward to.

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