Okay, kids. We are officially in countdown mode now. Thanksgiving is just a few short hours away, and I've decided that what will probably be my last post of the day will act as a kind of shout-out to those unsung heroes of the holiday season: the ladies who work the Butterball Hotline (1-800-288-8372) and offer advice, cooking tips, solace and (occasionally) medical assistance to those completely befuddled by the cooking of the Big Bird.
The questions presented here are, to the best of our knowledge (meaning we looked this shit up on Google), actual questions that the ladies of the Butterball Turkey Emergency Squad have been asked. The answers are what we would say if we were in their seats when the red phone started to ring. Which is probably why it's a good thing we don't work there...Question: "Can I use my oven's self-cleaning cycle to speed up the cooking process?"
Answer: Yes! In this hurried modern world in which we live, I can understand, sir and/or madam, why you would want your turkey to cook quicker, and we here at the Butterball Hotline are here to help. According to my research, the average self-cleaning oven can achieve a temperature approaching 900 degrees. And since we suggest cooking a stuffed, 14-pound turkey for four hours at 325 degrees, putting the same turkey into a 900 degree oven will have it finished for you in just over an hour.
What's that? How will you know precisely when it's done? Easy. After about twenty minutes, the turkey will catch fire. When the flames fade to a dull orange color and the turkey itself is about the size and color of a charcoal briquette, it's done. Bon apetit!
Question: "Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?"
Answer: Yes! The Butterball Hotline suggests using a gentle wash cycle so as not to bruise the bird and the addition of six ounces of liquid fabric softener to make sure it's nice and tender.
Question: "How do I get a chihuahua out of my turkey?"
Answer: Excuse me, m'am?
Question: "My chihuahua crawled inside my turkey and is stuck. How do I get him out?"
Answer: Why would you want to do that? Chihuahuas are both delicious and nutritious and will bring a nice South of the Border flair to your Thanksgiving meal. Just take into account the weight of the dog when calculating a cooking time, and it should make for some excellent eating after being basted for several hours in a Butterball turkey's delicious natural juices. Oh, and also? I'd make sure your oven door has a strong lock.
Question: "Is it okay to clean out my turkey with a scrub brush?"
Answer: Yes! Butterball suggests using a toilet brush because the unique shape conforms almost perfectly to the insides of a hollowed out game fowl.
Question: "How often should I baste my turkey?"
Answer: For best results, you should baste your turkey every eleven seconds with a mixture of butter, turkey fat, nutmeg, furniture polish and melted butterscotch candies. This will give it the golden-brown color and gleaming finish that all cooks desire. To do any less would be proof that you don't love your family as much as you think you do.
Question: "Is deep-frying my turkey safe?"
Answer: Yes! And it should be done inside the home, while wearing shorts and flip-flops and drinking heavily. Be sure to have someone standing by with a video camera to document the glorious results and post them on youtube for all of us here at the Butterball Hotline to enjoy while we take your calls instead of having Thanksgiving dinner with our families.
Question: "Can I cook my turkey in the microwave?"
Answer: Yes! And our Butterball Engineering Department would like to remind you that if the entire turkey doesn't fit inside the microwave, it is perfectly safe to cook with the door propped open.
Question: "Is glitter edible?"
Answer: That depends on where the glitter came from. If it is craft glitter glued onto the turkey by a child, then yes! If it is holiday glitter that sifted down onto the turkey from the Christmas decorations that your idiot husband is already trying to put up, then yes! If it is magical glitter that your pagan-vegan aunt used to try and bring the turkey back to life in the middle of dinner, then yes! If it is body glitter that rubbed off the exotic dancer you met while partaking of the Thanksgiving buffet at your local strip club, then yes--though the turkey probably isn't.