Lately we've been obsessed with Four Loko, the candy- colored fire water responsible for the near-death experiences of several Central Washington University students. Our own Caleb Hannan described it as tasting like "Thor's piss after the Norse god has just chugged some Dimetapp." Is it REALLY that bad? After all, Thor was a good guy. LOKI's piss probably tasted MUCH worse after chugging Dimetapp.
If this lineup took place in a jail, all seven cans would be fingered.
Given the fact that it's in vogue at Central Washington University, you probably don't need any other reasons not to drink Four Loko, but just in case you do, here are the top five reasons not to drink Four Loko:
5. The can is butt ugly.
5. The can is butt ugly.With its odd, brightly colored camouflage pattern, the can looks like pants that a kickboxing instructor would wear.
4. The drink itself is ugly. In nature, bright colors mean "back the fuck up," which is why poison dart frogs are clad in such vivid skin. The different varieties of Four Loko look like the juice that comes out of a hi- lighter or glow stick when you break it. So when you pour yourself a nice tall frosty pilsner glass of Four Loko, the weird foamy neon candy swill that comes out of the can is trying to tell you that EVEN THE MANUFACTURER doesn't really want you to drink this shit.
3. It tastes like a robot's ass. Four Loko doesn't really taste like something mammals should be drinking. It's got a weird chemical flavor to it, as though you were sipping from an electroplating bath, with a stale plasticky whiff on the nose and notes of formaldehyde in the finish. It feels like motors could run off of Four Loko. In fact, I'm guessing they settled on the name "Four Loko" because "Superfund Site in a Can" was taken.
2. It contains caffeine. As if the hangover you get from drinking this shit isn't bad enough, they make it so you have to stay awake while you suffer through it. Since you're up, why not handcraft some macramé bracelets and ABANDON ALL HOPE?
1. You're too old. Twentysomething frat boys can polish off a couple cans of Four Loko and still make it to macroeconomics the next morning. But YOU are a decade their senior, with a corresponding extra ten years of abuse to your liver, and the machinery isn't clunking along as efficiently as it used to. Besides, you traded the harsh chemical burn of cheap booze for the harsh chemical burn of single malt scotch once your salary passed 40K. Here's to not dying of alcohol poisoning!!!!!!!!!111 LOLz. Did I just type "LOLz?" My brain broke.