It's Okay to Eat Animals Because They're Total Losers

Great Tit.jpg
The Great Tit: not actually part of a woman's body.
Many people think it's immoral for people to eat animals. PETA once went so far as to compare the slaughter of chickens to the Holocaust. This outrageous simile is incredibly disrespectful to the victims of that evil tragedy.

If anything in this situation is immoral, it's not the eating of animals. Comparing the processing of farmed meats to Hitler's Final Solution is what's immoral. Besides, it's okay to eat animals--because animals are total fucking losers.

Monkeys, for instance, make excellent jewel thieves, and they can roll barrels at marauding Italian plumbers with particular skill. But they're also assholes. After all, what civilized human would hurl his own shit?

Dogs, too, are losers.

Everyone claims that dogs offer unconditional love, but there are conditions, all right: You wouldn't believe how ungrateful a dog can become after neglecting to feed it for a period as short as three weeks! Plus many breeds of dog are simply retarded: Komondor Dogs look like a janitor's mop; the pug looks like a Chihuahua that someone squeezed too tightly. And Chihuahuas, everyone knows, are Communist sympathizers.

Horses have fucked up teeth, and their majestic sexual prowess embarrasses and confuses many men. Hippos eat too much. Eagles, which while admittedly cool, are too easily killed by a shotgun blast to the face to rightfully be considered a fitting symbol of the USA. And lions might be one of the most powerful creatures on earth, but they, along with AIDS, the tse tse fly, invisible clouds of CO2 gas, and other Africans, kill millions of African people every single year.

Animals even have stupid NAMES: take the Great Tit, for instance. This bird was named by some scientist guy many years ago, when he was trying to impress some chick. "Thou hast such great tits," Carolus Linnaeus said to the Mona Lisa, or whoever it was he was trying to hook up with, "that I shall name this bird after them!" And the name stuck.

Now, it's not the Great Tit's fault that this name stuck. It IS, however, the Great Tit's fault that they didn't try to change their name by doing something rad. Otherwise, maybe today we'd call them the Bomb Defusing Bird, and they wouldn't be included in this list of retarded animals.

If animals were cool, people might feel guilty about eating them, and then PETA would have no need to try to convince people to stop eating them. But unfortunately, animals are pathetic losers and I hate every last one of them (except MY dogs and my dogs only). So chow down, humans, and have no fear.

Rating: 10 awesome essays out of 10

 
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