Greatest Hits and What You Missed: Gordon Ramsay, Ghost Chiles, Eminem and Canadian Ass Comandos

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"6. Tenacious D

Mustard is the food focus of the band's 2010 tour rider. The duo requires '1 Bottle of Brown Mustard (must be VERY tasty and delicious)' in their main dressing room and mustard that is 'equally as tasty as the one in Band room' for the family room. Also on the list: a 'large bar of dark chocolate (with highest % of Chocolate possible),' and a large deli platter with 'turkey-based meats' and a cheese platter with 'assorted cheddars.'"

From this week's examination of the tour riders of various musicians. Tenacious D's might've been the funniest (really? Turkey-based meats?). Brandon Flowers's was the doucheiest (he has a schedule for jams and jellies). But the strangest? Eminem, who demands Lunchables...

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"The red flag rose as soon as we ordered the Bonfire Mocha ($3.50) -- a double shot of espresso, steamed milk and Bedlam's own Bonfire chocolate sauce made with ghost chilies. When we asked what brand of coffee they used, we were told by the barista that it was 'a secret.' Never a good sign. If you use a quality coffee, you should be proud to tell customers. S-E-C-R-E-T spells C-O-S-T-C-O in our book. Regardless, they have a pretty great spicy sauce made from ghost chili oil. We got a taste before they added the stuff to our mocha. Who knew that would be the best part of our visit?"

Just a taste of this week's Versus column, comparing drinks spiked with the HOTTEST CHILE IN THE WORLD. Oh, and also? I freakin' love that dude's hat.

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"Joe, what you're seeing is just the tip of the iceberg--the first shot in a marketing war that has already been fought to a standstill here in the States. Expect to see TV commercials, billboards, a lot of commentary in newspapers about what this single sandwich will do to the waistlines of Canadians and how it will affect the entire culture and social fabric of the country. And if you're lucky, you might even get a few of those famous KFC ass commandos--pretty college co-eds willing to have the Double Down name scrawled across their buttocks as they stroll across campuses handing out sandwiches to drooling frat boys. Just when the whole Double Down Effect was fading down here in the United States, butt advertising was able to get the KFC name back in the public consciousness all over again. And since it worked here, there's no reason to believe they won't try it again in Canada.

Of course, it being Canada, they might try something original. Like branding the logo on native beavers. And I mean the little tree-chewing animals, of course. Not, you know... The other kind."

An excerpt from "Canada Calling," a question by a Canadian reader about the KFC Double Down, just released north of the border

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"The Blackberry juice was the winner by far. It also developed some solids (even though it was very clear juice to begin with), and you'd never mistake it for wine, but it was delicious. Think blackberry Lambic, but with an adjusted price of $1.75 per bottle (64oz of juice at $3, $1.50 per packet of yeast, 25oz in a wine bottle). This is something I'd make again, and certainly something I'd serve to dinner guests or corruptible children. "

From the Seattle Food Geek's instructional essay on turning fruit juice into booze in just 48 hours. Because really, who doesn't love chunky wine?

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"If you want to be taken seriously as a modern gourmand, you're going to have to buy an opera cape and wear it everywhere. To work, to school, to bed, to your parole hearings and colonoscopy--everywhere. No one will believe you're really a true boulevardier and appreciator of life's finer things without an opera cape (and maybe a top hat).

But the opera cape is not just good looking, it's also functional. Here are several things you can do with an opera cape that someone without an opera cape can't:

1) Sneak entire hams into the movie theater (or the opera, I guess, but really, who goes to the opera anymore?)

2) Make sweeping entrances and dramatic exits

3) Sneak other things into other places--like a rapier into church or pork chops into a vegetarian restaurant

4) Be the envy of all your friends and enemies

5) Impress jackhammer operators with your fine silk lining

6) Surreptitiously masturbate"

Just one of several suggestions for living your life like a modern day gourmand proffered in this week's "Food Pairing for the Modern Sophisticate."

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"All you need to bring with you is an application form, a photo of yourself (current, and probably not naked or covered in cats. Also, a mugshot is probably not appropriate), a photo of your audition dish, plated (no fair just bringing in an old Gourmet magazine cover--unless of course you're cooking cassoulet avec Gourmet classique et champignons forestiers, in which case that would be okay) and "Your one plated dish to impress us!" Seeing as the open call is in Portland, this would probably rule out all souffles and hot dishes, ice creams, and anything else that needs to be served hot or cold. Basically, you're stuck bringing boloney sandwiches to the judges, but have no fear. If you can actually lay a piece of boloney between two slices of bread without accidentally lighting yourself on fire, cutting off a finger, crying, passing out or poisoning, blinding or embarrassing yourself or any of the professional food judgers brought in to taste all the dishes at the open call, that will likely put you automatically in the top 10% of potential contestants. Add a little bit of mustard to that bad boy and you're just golden."

Just some of the details regarding the open casting call for season 2 of Gordon Ramsay's MasterChef, being held in Portland this December.

 
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