Last week, we continued our new series, "Food Pairing for the Modern Sophisticate," with an educational look at the cutlery and glassware one might run across when attending a modern, formal dinner party. This helpful offering demonstrated that even the most socially retarded half-chimp can comport himself like a gentleman provided he remembers his manners and acquaints himself with the basic rules of dining in public. This afternoon, our series continues with a few suggestions for pairing fine foods with the best Bolivian marching powder that (someone else's) money can buy.
Looks like someone could use a snack!
It has often been said by the casual dabbler in the nasal arts that one of cocaine's best attributes is that it removes from the user the desire for anything else but more cocaine. Food and drink, human companionship, material goods, credit scores, bank balances, loved ones, sharing--all of these become drastically unimportant the moment one finds one's self face down over the mirror with half a McDonald's straw up one's nose. Or so says the common user.
But that is simply untrue. While yes, the consumption of high-quality booger sugar may dampen the want of certain necessities, it heightens the desire for other things. Like a Maserati MC12, several hookers and droning, repetitive dance music, for example. Or a hug. From everyone in the room. At the same time. And since some regular users of cocaine have even been known to crave certain foods and drinks while sporting the double-halo, it would be bad form for any host or hostess to find themselves unprepared for these appetites.
Have no fear, though. The following list of consumables that go with cocaine will guarantee that when the yayo comes out, you won't be caught with your pants down. Unless, of course, that's the kind of party you're throwing.
Air: Noun. A colorless, flavorless, (mostly) odorous gas necessary for the consumption of more cocaine. Also, for breathing.
While at most parties, the provision of air by the host or hostess is assumed, at the fanciest of soirees, one might purchase imported air for the pleasure of one's guests. Traditionally, French Air was considered to be the best, but recently (what with everyone pretending to care about the environment and the rainforests and everything), Amazonian Air and Pure Mountain Spring Air have come into vogue.
A note to enterprising party-throwers: If your get-together is going to be attended by a large number of supermodels, hedge fund managers, teen starlets or others for whom intelligence is not a requirement in their daily business, you might want to consider charging an "Air Cover"--a payment (in cash) which will guarantee that the payee will have all the imported air necessary for their enjoyment for the duration of the festivities. The "Air Cover" should not be charged up front, but rather collected only after the party is well under way. And it should be large, because rich, dumb people only feel like they're getting their money's worth when they're overpaying.
If there is enough cocaine being circulated at your party, the consumption of liquor will drop off considerably (saving you a fortune on the bar tab). But this doesn't mean that your guests won't become thirsty. Here are some suggested cocktails for the well-powdered.
The Cocaine Cowboy
The Cocaine Cowboy
Preparation: Pour water in glass, serve
The Yayo Cooler
Ingredients: Water, Ice
Preparation: Pour water in glass, add ice, serve
Preparation: Pour water in glass, fill only half-way, serve
The Paris Hilton
Preparation: It's an empty glass, get it?
Cocaine Drinking Games:
Coke Pong--Like beer pong without the beer. Put an empty glass on the table. Add a dozen ping-pong balls. Shout, "Coke Pong!" And while all of your guests are distracted by frantically trying to bounce the balls into the empty glass, do the rest of their cocaine.
The Ol' Switheroo--At every party where cocaine is going to be served, some douchebag will show up with a rolled hundred dollar bill to snort it through. This is just a law of nature. And the more douchebags you invite, the more hundred dollar bills there will be. The game here is to calculate the number of douchebags in the room, roll an equal number of one dollar bills, and start replacing the hundos every time the mirror comes your way. At a really good, douche-intensive party, one can pay off their student loans just by playing a couple rounds of this game.
Apples are not necessary for any party of reasonable length (say, less than three days). But if you're planning on throwing a truly epic soiree and have no reasonable exit strategy (for example, the 1980's), the partygoers are going to need to eat. This is where the apples come in.
One apple a day is remarkably nutritious. Cocaine and apples are how many Hollywood types stay so girlishly narrow (you know who you are). One apple, some cocaine and a couple cocktails (see above) will sustain life for a remarkably long time. And if you have the feeling that your guests need some sort of inspiration for consuming a few calories, just tell them that one of the apples has more cocaine hidden inside and then watch the fun.
4) Otter Pops
Yeah, this girl knows what we're talking about...
5) Imaginary Food
While the appetite might be suppressed so long as the snow holds out, the imagination is most certainly not. And since one who is on lotsandlotsandlots of cocaine will talk about anything, to anyone, all the time, eventually the topic of food will probably come up. The best imaginary foods to have on hand:
--Guatemalan insanity peppers
--Coq au Vin
For a little extra fun, tell your guests that you'd planned on having lots of Energon cubes and unicorn tacos available but, somehow, they all ended up at your neighbor's house--you know, the one that's been peeking in through the windows all night and looks kinda like a narc...
6) More cocaine
No article on pairing things with cocaine would be complete without the most obvious side dish to a couple fat rails: namely more cocaine. Blow is the easiest thing in the world to accessorize because it pairs with everything from bad dancing to James Spader movies and also nothing at all. Riding the white pony is a world unto itself, and one can pretty much ignore all of the other entries in this list so long as the supply of #6 holds out.
Of course, eventually there's going to be no more coke. And when that happens, you're on your own. I did remind you to be sure to throw your party at someone else's house, right?