Jello Boy.jpg
Brad Trent
Intrepid bartender Arthur dilligently prepares the Tug's award-winning Jell-O shots.
Everyone loves Jell-O, and everyone loves alcohol, so the creation of the Jell-o

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Seattle's Top 5 Jell-O Shots, According to the Surly Gourmand

Jello Boy.jpg
Brad Trent
Intrepid bartender Arthur dilligently prepares the Tug's award-winning Jell-O shots.
Everyone loves Jell-O, and everyone loves alcohol, so the creation of the Jell-o shot was inevitable and natural. Plus, Jell-O shots, unlike many alcoholic beverages, actually count as a meal because they have nutritional value.

Just as a Bloody Mary is basically alcoholic gazpacho, Jell-o shots are a dessert and digestif in one! Who wouldn't want such a convenient, time-saving, and nutritious treat? Oh boy, I know I do! Jell-O shots are so delicious even recovering alcoholic diabetic vegans love them. Plus, everyone knows that Jell-O is made of congealed cubes of the Kool-Aid Man's blood. And if you want to gain the Kool-Aid Man's legendary power to burst through brick walls with no apparent damage to his glass torso, then you must eat his blood!

But which bars in Seattle make the best Jell-O shots? Here are the Top Five!

5. Contour. Contour looks like what the set of A Clockwork Orange would look like if it were directed by a guy who wears Ed Hardy T-shirts instead of Stanley Kubrick. Still, it's bus stop-adjacent, and not as cheesy as neighboring Fado. So if you're walking down 1st Ave, why not stop in for a Jell-O shot? Here's why not: at $3, they're less than what I'd call cheap. Plus, all the shots are one flavor. However, they seem to use a high quality gelatin with a pretty good strawberry flavor (they probably use actual Jell-O brand gelatin instead of Kirkland's Horse-Based Flavor Gel). Unfortunately, they aren't as strong as we'd like them to be.

4. Unicorn. Unicorn is undoubtedly awesome. After all, how could a bar that looks like what it probably looked like inside John Wayne Gacy's mind be bad? Plus they sell corn dogs. Too bad the Jell-O shots aren't that great. They come in the standard flavors: red, green, and blue. And while you get an enormous fucking shot the size of a hockey puck, it's way too weak to justify the princely sum of $4 each.

3. Nijo Sushi. No one expected a sushi place to sell Jell-O shots, yet this one somehow does. The Jell-O shots, like everything else Japanese, are startlingly innovative: They're made with sake and they come in shot glasses! For $3 you get a standard shot glass, filled with two or three glassy cubes of Jell-O, all the same flavor, quivering in the shot glass like squares of jiggly obsidian. I was really looking forward to the novelty of the sake Jell-O shots, but they're disappointing: the sake makes the shot taste strangely poisonous. Still, if you like the idea of having Jell-O shots with your sushi--and why wouldn't you--check this place out.

2. Triangle Pub. No, I'm not talking about the place in Fremont that changed its name to "Nine Million Dollar Bills" or whatever the fuck. This is the Triangle Pub in White Center, whose owner Geoffrey "Mac" McElroy recently ran for the state legislature. The Jell-O shots here are luckily more successful than Mac's political campaign (he failed to make it past the August 17 primary). They actually take the time to pair the flavors with particular liquors! Gin goes with orange, tequila with lime, rum with cherry, and vodka with all of the freaky colors. They're strong and a great deal at $1 each.

1. The Tug. Before I discuss the Tug's legendary Jell-O shots, I must apologize for my insensitive statements about the Tug's carpet. It does NOT, as previously reported, look like a bunch of fat guys ejaculated all over it. Nor does it resemble your mom's bedspread under a black light. The carpet is clean, and so fresh and pure, you will think you're stepping all over Jesus' divine flowing locks of hair. With this heartfelt apology out of the way, let me tell you how awesome the Tug's Jell-O shots are. They're only $1, they come in pretty much every single Jell-O flavor, and there's so much alcohol in them that they don't stay solid at room temperature. That having been said, don't go overboard: My friend Phil and I once split 30 of these things in a scientific attempt to quantify how drunk you could get by eating only jell-O shots. We each ate one shot per minute. Fifteen minutes later, I felt only as drunk as if I'd had a couple pints of PBR, but my stomach felt like I was about to give birth to Hitler. The moral of the story is that, despite its manufacturer's claims to the contrary, there isn't always room for Jell-O.

Don't forget, I'm on vacation for a month! See you in October. Until then, four very special Surly's Helpers will be writing in my place. Look for their posts each Thursday in September! Don't forget to treat them with the same lack of respect you treat me.

 
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