High fructose corn syrup is what's making you fat.

I mean, there might be some other factors, too. Maybe you sit around all day eating


How to Turn High Fructose Corn Syrup Into Corn Sugar in 3 Easy Steps

High fructose corn syrup is what's making you fat.

I mean, there might be some other factors, too. Maybe you sit around all day eating lard right out of the tub. Maybe you don't consider it breakfast unless you eat a pound of bacon at a single sitting. Maybe you haven't gotten any exercise in a year that didn't involve stretching for that last Ding Dong in the box.

But seriously, one of the big factors in America's obesity epidemic is high fructose corn syrup and HFCS is in everything. If you are an average American (and really, who among us isn't?), then you consumed about 38 pounds of it in 2008. Yeah, pounds. And most of it likely went into you without you even really thinking about it.

Corn sugar, on the other hand? Well corn sugar sounds completely harmless. It sounds natural. It sounds un-processed and non-chemical. It sounds like the kind of thing you'd be happy if your kids ate by the bucket full after school--or at least happy-er than if they were sucking down the same amount of HFCS. I mean, sugar is just sugar right? No harm there. And corn is almost a vegetable...

So in the interest of health and science, I have come up with a simple way for you to transform all that evil high fructose corn syrup in your life into cheerful, all-natural and healthy corn sugar. Instructions right after the jump.

Step One: Be an enormous corn producer.

It helps if you already are an enormous corn producer because becoming one (and we're talking something the size of the Archer Daniels Midland, with 2009 revenues topping $69 billion) can be kind of difficult, expensive and time-consuming.

The reason you need to be an enormous corn producer is because, in order to make step two work, you're going to need lobbyists and, ideally, an entire trade group at your disposal.

Step Two: Send your lobbyists to Washington and your trade group to the FDA to apply for permission to change the name of your best-selling product.

This is the crucial step in the process. Everyone hates HFCS. American consumption is already at a 20-year low. Problem is, one thing you've got a lot of? High fructose fucking corn syrup. So what you want to do is get the federal government and the FDA to allow you to take all this HFCS you've got on your hands and re-name it. But first you've got to think of a name...

How 'bout "corn sugar?" No one hates corn sugar. Corn sugar sounds delicious. Yeah, ask the government to let you call it that. Oh, and while you're at it, you might want to come up with a reason to give the FDA for the change. Something better than "because we want to make money shoving more processed crap into people."

Ooh, I've got it. Tell them this: "The name 'corn sugar' more accurately reflects the source of the food (corn), identifies the basic nature of the food (a sugar), and discloses the food's function (a sweetener)." As a matter of fact, put that right in your petition.

Step Three: Don't wait for permission. Just start using the new name.

Like, immediately. Make a website. Put out some TV commercials. Start telling people that "High fructose corn syrup is simply a kind of corn sugar that is handled by your body the same as sugar or honey" and "High fructose corn syrup -- corn sugar -- has been used in the food supply for more than forty years to make high fiber foods palatable, maintain freshness and enhance flavors in foods and beverages. Additionally, high fructose corn syrup keeps our foods affordable." As above, insist--loudly and everywhere--that corn sugar is actually a better name than high fructose corn syrup and remind everyone that, really, the whole name change thing? That's meant to help the consumer.

And there you go! You've just turned all that nasty high fructose corn syrup into fresh, healthy and harmless corn sugar.

Now aren't you proud of yourselves?

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