Energy Ham! (And a Few Other Things) Finally Made Possible By New Energy Drink Product

Energy shooters can be added to ANYTHING
In order of historical importance, here are the top five discoveries in the beverage world.

1) That a field full of barley can be made into beer, requiring only patience and some yeast.

2) That, after you've drunk all your barley, you can also turn a field of wheat or corn or rye or more barley into whiskey, requiring only patience, fire and the cleverness of the Irish.

3) That, after you've drunk all the cereal grains in reasonable walking distance, you can still raid your neighbor's grape arbor and turn his fruit into wine, requiring only patience, yeast, special glassware, tuxedos, a cellar and a thin, angular man who will look down his nose at you and tell you that you're drinking it all wrong.

4) That coffee really does grow on trees.

5) That dimwits will pay money for water if you put it in a bottle with a picture of a mountain on it.

Those were all pretty important moments, and they were followed by all sorts of other, slightly less important moments, like the invention of Coca-Cola, the invention of the martini, the discovery of the powerful douche-ifying effects of Jagermeister when liberally applied to young men and the unearthing of the ancient Red Bull reservoirs, buried for generations deep below the Chinese steppes.

The list goes on and on. And coming in somewhere around #10,342 on the list of important moments in beverage history is this: the recent announcement from a company in California that they're producing an energy drink mixer that can be added to any existing beverage, immediately turning it into an AWESOME ENERGY DRINK! The product is called Hijinks. It contains 200mg of caffeine, some taurine, inositol, glucuronolactone, and L-carnitine "for enhanced vigor and pep" (which made me laugh because, seriously, I think the last person to use the word "pep" in any un-ironic fashion was probably Teddy Roosevelt), and is essentially flavorless so that it won't mess with the natural taste of your yak milk protein shake or goji berry juice or tall tumbler full of vodka.

Now normally, I would completely ignore a product like this. But there were two reasons this one caught my eye (and made the list of historical beverage developments at all). First, the idea of it being flavorless. Second, the notion that it can be added to anything, thereby turning anything into an energy drink. Or maybe not just a drink. Maybe, because it is a flavorless liquid, full of mind-bending, pep-filled chemicals, it could be used to make...


Energy ham! Add this stuff to a traditional honey and mustard glaze, maybe throw in a few cloves, and you've got yourself a ham that'll keep you up for days. And why stop there? If it can work to caffeinate a ham, why not...


Swedish energy meatballs! Dude, can you imagine how much faster you could rip through an Ikea after knocking back a plate full of taurine-spiked energy meatballs? You could even just carry a few of them around in a baggie all day and pop them like black beauties whenever you needed a boost. And if meatballs aren't your thing, then how 'bout...


Mother sauces! Turn any of the five mothers into an energy packed ACTION SAUCE, just by adding a shot of this stuff to the pot. Personally, I think it would take very well to an espagnole or a tomato, but would be worried about it breaking a hollandaise or bechamel. Not that it would matter. Just eat an energy meatball and you'll be up all night grinding your teeth like a coke-jacked lab monkey and tinkering with the ratios until you get it just right. Another possibility...


Super mutant energy tomatoes! Needed: energy drink mixer, earth, tomato seeds. I would imagine that all sorts of mutant fruits and vegetables would be possible using this stuff. And if no scientist has yet studied the effects of growing tomatoes on a restricted diet of nothing but Mountain Dew and Hijinks energy drink mixer then I really don't know what my tax dollars are being used for.

comments powered by Disqus