Well that tyranny ends now as we, the Voracious staff, turn our
personal experiences excellent research skills to the task of intelligently pairing food (and booze) with all manner of real-world experiences. What's the best way to sneak liquor into a movie theatre, for example? What foods taste best after a successful parole hearing? What wine pairs best with Little Debbie Snack Cakes? What foods go best with a wicked hangover?
And then there's today's entry: The 12 Best Foods To Eat While Stoned. There's no Twinkies on this list. We went a little deeper than that. And though far from a canonical recitation of all the things that go well with an appetizer course of weed (there's not enough bandwidth on the internet to contain that list), ours is more in the style of a top ten. Except that, as you'll see after the jump, we had to add a few extras since the first couple slots were taken up by the most obvious choice...Numbers 1-3
#1: Anything from Taco Bell
Because not only is that little dog like the best friend you have after a pulling a few tubes, but the quality of every single Taco Bell menu item improves dramatically in direct proportion to how stoned you are.
#2: Anything else from Taco Bell
Because, really... If you're stoned enough to want Taco Bell, the odds are pretty good that, on your first time through the drive-thru, you ordered nothing but 11 Dr. Peppers, 200 packets of hot sauce and a blowjob from the girl working the window. Apologize nicely and go back around again.
#3: "Dude... We forgot to get those...you know. Those little cinnamon crispy twisty things..."
"Welcome to the Taco Bell drive-thru. How can I help you?"
"How can I help you?"
"I need some of those, like, crispy cinnamon, chip twist things?"
"The cinnamon twists?"
"Yes... Those are them."
"How many, sir?"
"Ten. No, twelve. Wait. A hundred. Is it weird to ask for a hundred? Give me four. Yeah. Four. Or five."
"Five orders of cinnamon twists?"
"Drive around to the second window please."
#4 Candy Corn
Because real corn is too difficult to manipulate when high. Also because you can easily eat an entire bag without noticing, but you'll certainly remember when you go to the bathroom the next morning.
#5: Anything you find in your friend's mom's cupboards
Seriously, anything. It's all gonna taste awesome, so just go nuts. Honest to god, I once ate an entire box of matzo crackers just because they were there and they were sooooo good. The weird thing was, my friend wasn't Jewish, so what in the hell were those matzo crackers doing there? Oh, man... I really hope I was actually still at my friends house that night.
#6: French fries and a chocolate shake from McDonald's
Not separately. Together. You've got to trust me on this one. Even sober, I still like this combination, but when you're somewhat...altered? Best thing ever. Just dip the fries into the shake and devour the salty/sweet/savory/hot/cold results. Repeat as needed.
#7: Really big bowls of cereal
Cap'n Crunch (with crunchberries) or Lucky Charms are the best. And Golden Crisp (the kind with the bear, not the frog) ain't too bad either. What's important here is the bowl. It must be almost comically oversized, as should the spoon. We don't know why this matters, but it does. Also, the later at night you're eating the cereal, the better it will taste.
Because when you're already high, nothing says "efficient time usage" better than a giant pot brownie.
I'm not sure why, but hummus is excellent in this circumstance. And it also works with those french fries mentioned above if you happen to be out of frosty chocolate milkshakes.
Chocolate preferred, fancy crystal bowl not required. Suitable alternatives to chocolate pudding include (but are not limited to):
Your friend's chocolate pudding
Pudding mix eaten right out of the package
Warning: do not try to make YOUR OWN pancakes when really high. It will not go well. Find some suitable pancake distribution unit (eg: IHOP, Denny's, Beth's) and go there instead.
Now we're not saying that the people making the pancakes there won't be stoned, but those people are professionals so the odds of a catastrophic fire or accidentally making the batter with your cat's ear medicine are greatly reduced.
#12: Anything fried
If you have passed beyond the point where communication of specific needs is possible, maybe just start carrying a card around in your wallet that says: IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, PLEASE FILL WITH CHEESE STICKS.