Over on the Daily Weekly, Caleb Hannan has what has to be one of my favorite posts of the day: the story of a man, a hatchet, a soda machine and just a little too much crystal meth.
There's a midget in there. No, really. Can I borrow your hatchet?
So how much meth is a little too much exactly? Well, I can tell you. You know you've had too much meth (and too easy access to hatchets) when your crunch-addled brain tells you that the soda machine outside your shitty motel room has a person stuck inside and that you are THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SAVE THEM. And you know you've had way too much meth when the best solution that occurs to you is to take the hatchet that you've been carrying around with you (because, yeah, that's not a recipe for disaster...), run out into the hallway (in your underpants, preferably), and beat the mortal fuck out of said soda machine until the cops have to come and drag your tweaking ass to the lock-up.According to Hannan, here's roughly how things went down when Chris Collins of Boise, ID found himself in this situation.
"On Sunday night, Boise cops got a call about a man at a motel with a hatchet. When they arrived, police found a beat-up soda dispenser and a distraught Collins, who told the authorities he'd gone all Paul Bunyan on the poor vending machine because he was trying to rescue a person he thought was stuck inside."
You can read the whole story (including a guess at who Collins might've thought was stuck inside the soda machine) over on the Daily Weekly. Or, if you happen to have access to a hatchet, a Coke machine, a Boise hotel room, a midget and a shit-ton of crystal, maybe you can just re-enact the entire thing yourself. Bear in mind, though, that it didn't work out very well for Collins. He's in jail now.
And he didn't even manage to get a free soda out of the damn machine.