All Hail Delicatus! A Journalistic Journey in Sandwich Mythology

All Hail Delicatus! And his faithful hound, Deli Dog!
Surly Notes: Hey guys, I didn't TECHNICALLY write this entry this week. I just translated the writing inscribed on an old piece of pottery I found buried in a sand dune in Iraq. It seems to describe a magical king or demigod, who seems to be some sort of harbinger of bounty.

In an ancient text I found strange stanzas which shew a method for summoning a King. A True King! A King of Sandwiches!

"Hear me, Delicatus!" I spoke, for those were the words writ. "I call to you, in the name of all who hunger for meats, and cheese, and lettuce, maybe vinegar of some sort, on freshly- baked bread, and some chips, bring forth the King of Sandwiches! Delicatus!"

Fire and wind and mustard heralded the arrival of DELICATUS, the Sandwich King! Eight sandwiches high he stood, with rippling muscles like bread-n-butter pickles, eyes like gleaming melted provolone, and temper like the hottest horseradish sauce. "TRAVELLER," spoke Delicatus. "Thou hast summoned me! What sandwiches dost thou seek?"

"I seek sandwiches of four meats!" I said, "and also some chips!" Delicatus waved his pickle spear and amid fanfare and Holy Light did bring forth the required sandwiches.

"BEHOLD!" sayeth Delicatus. "Sandwiches--four of them-- I have summoned. And I have summoned THIS!" and Delicatus summoned forth a salad.

"Thou hast selected well, child," Delicatus spoke. "For I bring you the world's bounty: First we must have BEEF." Delicatus handed me forth the CLASSIC REUBEN, for $7.75. I ate with relish; this reuben was a template of its type, so classic was it: salty corned beef, layered like pages in a wizard's spellbook, with sauerkraut, tangy and sharp, and Swiss Cheese on a light and sweet rye.

"Now, I bring you PORK!" sayeth Delicatus, "The Fists of FURY! Behold its price: $7.75." And Delicatus brought forth Pork. The Fists of Fury was a sandwich weapon I had used before, though I had known it to be called "Banh-Mi," with shredded roast pork, and cucumber diced fine, and lettuce, and cilantro. Yet the Fists of Fury had something more than the Banh- Mi I remembered: TOBIKO, those fish eggs which when eaten pop cleverly like a Hindoo's drum when bitten. Though if I recall the Banh-Mi cost 1/3 the price. If pressed again, I would take a Banh- Mi over the costlier Fists of Fury.

"More still!" cried Delicatus, "I bring you the FRUITS OF THE SEA!" Delicatus brought forth the sandwich called "NOT CHARLIE'S TUNA," which at $7.50 seemed an easy price to pay for the greatest house-made tuna salad I have tasted, and made from no less esteemed a denizen of Poseidon's realm than ALBACORE. The tuna was silken and creamy, though with not an excess of mayonnaise, and with minuscule cubes of celery, scattered through like a quail-hunter's shot. It was topped with lettuce, and with thin rounds of Roma tomatoes, and held a nest of finely shaved onion. And it was on a fine wheaten bun.

"And here I bring you FOWL," Delicatus said, and brought forth the Warm Chicken Salad.

"But it is not a sandwich, my Lord," I cried.

"But it MIGHT AS WELL BE," swore Delicatus, for it was just as hearty, though without bread. For $8.75, the Warm Chicken Salad had juicy shreds of poached chicken, and veritable fields of Romaine lettuce, tomatoes, and creamy ivory rounds of fresh mozzarella.

And Delicatus gave me the Dressing on the Side! Beneficent indeed is Delicatus, for although the Pesto Dressing is smooth and flavorful, it might have had a little too much raw garlic!

And then Delicatus brought forth the ULTIMATE SANDWICH! Which sandwich was this? "MUDD HONEY!" roared Delicatus, "Though I admit the name is stupid, for I forfeited the naming rights by trickery to MY SWORN ENEMY, THE SOUP NAZI! Still," spoke Delicatus, "it is a sandwich of rare form!"

The Mudd Honey was a fair price, at $8.25, for a sandwich of witchcraft--one that could change flavors at will! The Mudd Honey was of three parts: on top, bacon and melted white cheddar, with a sweet and smokey barbecue sauce. Then below: roast beef, juicy and sliced thinly as though cloven by Delicatus's very own sword. Then still further down: turkey breast! And a mild horseradish sauce. Truly this was a magical Sandwich, a Sandwich for a Mighty King! For it changed flavors, from bacon through beef through turkey, as I ate it.

"Thou has eaten my sandwiches four," Delicatus told me, "And my salads one. And do not forget that all of my sandwiches come with CHIPS!" And Delicatus brought forth chips.

"Thank you my Lord!" I cried in supplication. "All Hail Delicatus, the Sandwich King! The True King of Sandwiches!"

Rating: 8 Babylonian Fables out of 10

To visit Delicatus's shrine, make a pilgrimage to 103 1st Ave S. Or to summon one of His Priests, call his sacred number 623-3780.

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