Teddy's Bigger Burgers Attempts to Give Cajuns a Sense of Style

Teddy's Dumb Fucking Mural.JPG
I'm sorry, but I don't think this map is to scale.
Teddy's Bigger Burgers makes a tasty hamburger: a quarter-pound beef patty which is seared and smoky on the outside, but pink inside. They ask you if you're okay with having your burger cooked medium, but only a chump would say no. Burgers come with a leaf of lettuce or two, a couple slices of anemic tomato, some pickles, and a huge fucking ball of thinly sliced raw onion, and christened with gushing gouts of this erotic, yellow "secret sauce" that runs down your arm when you bite it. The burgers are tasty, but the huge mound of raw onion is a bit much.

Plus, Teddy's nickels and dimes you to death. If you've ever bought a house, you know what it's like to get a hamburger from Teddy's: NOTHING is included. EVERYTHING costs something: fifty cents here, a dollar there. The "Big Combo," which includes a burger, fries, and a drink, costs about $8 or so. I'm sorry to say that I don't have the exact prices, but that's because it never seems to cost exactly the same amount twice, even if you order the same thing both times. Eating at Teddy's is like trying to cross the border between two African countries.

The basic toppings are included in the price of the combo, but if you want one of Teddy's "Specialty Burgers," it costs an extra $1.50 or so. The specialty burgers are good, especially the "Hot Pocket," which has pickled jalapenos and pepper jack, and my personal fave, the "Spud Burger," which is just a regular hamburger but has a FUCKING HASHBROWN on it! If you get the Spud Burger with bacon and cheese, it becomes the single most powerful hangover killer known to man, even more affective than giving yourself an IV of saline solution, which an old friend who worked as an Army medic used to do.

Spicy fries cost an extra $0.50, and I would definitely recommend upgrading to the spicy fries because they are ACTUALLY SPICY. Don't bother with the onion rings because they're just a bunch of puffy fried air with a slippery hoop of undercooked onion in the middle.

There are all kinds of fucked up extra toppings you can add, like pastrami or peanut butter. You can also put something called "Cajun Style" on your burger. Personally, I didn't know that style was a topping. Least of all "Cajun style." What kind of style, exactly, do Cajuns have? White rubber boots? Faded Ozzy Osbourne T-shirts? Will Teddy's put a can of Miller Light and sprinkle some Copenhagen on your burger if you want "Cajun style"?

I like Teddy's, but the menu is so retardedly complex, it's easier to do your own taxes than eat there. Plus the décor is all this 1950's shit. Why are the '50's and hamburgers inextricably entwined in the popular imagination? After all, with all of our modern awesome burgers with better ingredients, like the ones you can get at Spur Gastropub or Spring Hill or Zippy's, we're clearly living in the Golden Age of Hamburgers.

Why must hamburgers be stuck in the past? I would prefer a futuristic hamburger, made by nanobots, and it's not only edible, it's also connected to the internet and can automatically order you ANOTHER hamburger when you finish the first one. But until scientists invent this futuristic hamburger of the future, I suppose Teddy's Bigger Burgers is a fine substitute.

Rating: 8 nanoburgers out of 10

Teddy's Bigger Burgers is located at 17705 140th Ave NE in Woodinville. To place an order call 425-408-1604.

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