My goal this year is to lose about 25 lbs., as I'm sick of being told that I'm obese, stupid BMI scale. I thought I


Rosemary's Baby Is a Gift!

My goal this year is to lose about 25 lbs., as I'm sick of being told that I'm obese, stupid BMI scale. I thought I was just adorably chubby in some areas, but based on the BMI index Johnny Depp might as well set fire to my house to save face. I'm not on a purely superficial quest, but rather one for health reasons, as my cholesterol is teetering on the high side.  Also in college after a "long" date the guy I was with rolled over and said, "You're attractive but not attractive to be in a long-term relationship with." After that only ice cream understood me.

BBQ Chicken Quesadilla was a delightful happy hour treat.

Comedian Kyle Cease told me this weekend that it's easier to lose weight if you can envision the end result and give yourself a timeline. Unfortunately I had another rock bottom meal (only one this week) where I let loose and traveled back to old habits at Country Burger in Arlington.  I'm embarrassed to say I had a truly American, high-fat, mega-calorie meal of a bacon cheeseburger, chili cheese waffle fries and a butterscotch milkshake, which is not pictured here for fear of reminding my taste buds of the absolute pleasure and pornographic delight a bacon cheeseburger can cause. This is the kind of meal that can turn you into bad B-roll footage from the neck down. 

God's gift to the BLT, Parlor's BLT with fried green tomatoes.

My week was packed with comedy and classes ranging from Kyle Cease & Louie Anderson's Stand Up Boot Camp, held at The Parlor in Bellevue, to the artistic chaos and imaginative scenery that Georgetown provides during Artopia.

During the weekend I remained hyper-focused regarding my career in comedy. The Stand Up Boot Camp gave me the opportunity to work on my goals one-on-one with legendary comedian Louie Anderson. My goal is to be a headliner and appear on television within the next two years.

Photo By: Jessica Hernadez
Louie Anderson & Kyle Cease's Stand-Up Boot Camp class.

It was exciting to watch the changes between the class during the two days of intense training and discussions. One of the students, Anna, went from being afraid of the stage at the beginning to, after some one-on-one coaching, becoming the most energetic and excited student in the room. This was evident during an exercise where we needed to envision our next time on stage and explain how amazing it was to the person next to us. Anna was yelling at her partner while standing up on her chair. Ripped with enthusiasm and pride, she was more intense than an elementary school fire drill.

While at Boot Camp I attempted to eat healthy by choosing a BBQ chicken quesadilla instead of my ultimate desire, the BLT with fried green tomatoes, a dish that would raise Jessica Tandy from the dead. The quesadilla was just the right size, helping to curb my overindulgent streak and focus on portion control. The quesadilla was filled with grilled chicken, a delicious smoked mozzarella and creamy fontina cheese, onions and a mild ranch BBQ sauce, a fantastic Happy Hour treat served all day on Sundays.

I had performed earlier in the week at The Parlor's Fresh Faces show, but I was nervous to perform, as my entire department from my new job was ready and eager to watch my set. I started to eat a smoked salmon pecan & Granny Smith apple salad. The sugary pecans are my kryptonite and became a digging game like for a prospector in Afghanistan. Unfortunately I was so nervous I was unable to finish my meal, and handed it off to a co-worker/human garbage disposal who didn't let my germs dictate what he could and couldn't eat.

Parlor's smoked salmon, pecan & granny smith apple salad.

During boot camp, I rushed across to Georgetown to perform in Seattle Weekly's third annual, music and arts festival, Artopia. This year my friends, Barbara Holm and Canadian folk-inspired band the Sadberries and I requested an indoor stage which had bench seating. As many comedy clubs will point out, patrons hate to sit in the front row for fear of being picked on. Personally, you have a better chance of being picked on if you're talking during the show. I spent the majority of my set walking on benches back and forth like a tiger in a zoo enclosure.

The joke that killed unexpectedly:

"My mom always tells me that babies are a gift... "Babies are a gift Jennifer, babies are a gift." I told that to my best friend recently who is pregnant.  I said, don't worry that's a gift living inside of you rent free. She said "Fantastic, cause I can't wait to go to the adoption agency to regift this shit, because that's a big gift."

As soon as I started into that particular joke, about five children all under the age of 10 came charging through the room and sat right in front of me... as if they knew I was making a non-child friendly joke and wanted to peer up with their huge eyes to ask why are you a child-hating monster?  

comments powered by Disqus

Friends to Follow