Meanwhile, Over at the News Division: Popcorn Lung Lawsuits

If you look close, you can almost see the kernels
Over at the Daily Weekly, Caleb Hannan is reporting on (yet another) popcorn lung lawsuit being filed by some junked up compulsive eater now trying to score big dollars off of ConAgra.

In his piece he actually quotes a line from the popcorn addict's lawyer which says "He'd lap it out of the bowl like a dog would," and that the man would regularly eat five to seven bags of microwave popcorn a day.

Okay, so seriously? When your own lawyer has to compare you to a dog just to accurately portray your lust for popcorn/Doritos/Hummel figurines/crystal meth, you should know that you have a problem that goes far beyond the powers of the court to fix.

Also, unless this dude was also huffing the butter gas straight from the warm and toasty bag, I find it hard to believe that this disease (also known as bronchial obliterans, which is just a fucking scary name), primarily contracted by workers in the popcorn processing plants who, daily, had to breath in diacetyl (the chemical that gives microwave popcorn its deliciously buttery flavor), was gotten by some corn junkie just from eating a few bags a day.

But hey, that's for the courts to decide, right? In the meantime, a couple things to think about.

1) That buttery flavor in microwave popcorn? It's all chemical. Though diacetyl is no longer used, the butter flavor still isn't, well, butter. That, alone, would be enough to make me stop eating the stuff. You might just as well just start shotgunning random bottles of flavoring agents from the DOW chemical catalog.

2) Once you hear that there's a disease out there named for the way it obliterans your fucking bronchials, maybe you should start thinking about switching to another snack food, huh? Cheeto dust has yet to be named a serious health risk.

3) If you're going to eat processed crap anyway (and I know you are), maybe try to restrain yourself to one bag, package or bucket, huh? There are reasons why they don't sell popcorn by the fifty-gallon drum. First, because the drum wouldn't fit in most microwaves. Second because ONE BAG OUGHT TO BE MORE THAN ENOUGH. So once you've sucked the salt and chemicals off the last un-popped kernels at the bottom of that bag, just walk away.

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