5 Cocktails That Should Be Left for Dead

Today has been all about the cocktail--all about the Zig Zag Cafe, Murray Stenson, Gatorade and classical booze concoctions given new life by wise keepers of the flame. We've talked about good bars and great drinks, smart tenders and the national magazines that (occasionally) get things right and sling a little ink in the proper directions.

But because I am a contrary and essentially miserable little fuck, no good thing can ever come without my seeing the bad side of it sooner or later. So while Esquire magazine may be currently loving up all these classic bars and historic cocktails, my mind, of course, turned to the things that truly suck about the modern booze scene. The result, my own private list of cocktails, brands and trends that I hope vanish quickly and quietly, like a mob snitch in New Jersey, just so that, 50 years from now, when Esquire is doing its 2060 round-up of best bars (which will, of course, be transmitted straight into our brains by lasers) and classic drinks, I don't have to see some retro-douchebag waxing romantically about the heyday of the fucking Jager shot.

And yeah, I DO plan on still being around in 2060, bitching about all the damn kids and their magazine lasers, drinking my whiskey neat and my beer from an IV bag.

1) Jagermeister

If you drink Jagermeister, you're a douche. If you mix your Jager with anything else, you're a douche AND a pussy. If you work in a bar that has one of those Jager machines that serves that fucking cough syrup all ice-cold for the better enjoyment of those dumb enough to drink it in the first place? Sorry, you're working in a douche-a-teria and, therefore, are a douchebag yourself for contributing to the douching up of the American barroom. Have I made myself clear yet, or should I use the word "douche" six or seven more times?

Jagermeister is the Ed Hardy tee-shirt of the booze world. In a universe of lovingly well-kept muscle cars, it is a 1987 Honda Civic with a blower and chromed pipes. There is nothing at all good about it today. There was nothing ever good about it when it first burst onto the scene as the lubricant of choice for date-rapists too poorly connected to know where to score roofies. If I never drink this stuff again in my life--or see some gang of just-a-little-bit-too-old-for-bar-hopping morons whooping it up over shots, pounding each other on the back and secretly wondering just how many shots they'll have to drink before they feel young enough again to try and lech up on the hot 19-year-old cocktail waitress--it STILL won't be enough. What I need is for someone to invent a time machine, go back to 1935, to Germany, find Jagermeister's inventor, Mr. Curt Mast, and punch him right in the face.

While they're at it, they might want to try and take a shot at a young Adolph Hitler as well. But Curt Mast? He's the important one.

2) Any alcohol mixed with Red Bull

Yeah, because mixing stimulants and depressants? That's a habit you want to get into. Ask Heath Ledger how well that worked for him. Or Elvis. And even if that Jagerbomb (see above) or vodka Red Bull doesn't just flat kill you, it will make you That Guy--an annoying, staggering, sour-bellied drunk AND so full of energy that it'll take a dart gun full of elephant tranquilizer to put your dumb ass out.

3) Anything called a "martini" that isn't

A martini is one thing and one thing only: a small bucket of gin with an olive floating in it.

Vanilla flavored vodka, chocolate shavings and half a fucking Milky Way bar? Not a martini.

Green apple vodka and schnapps? Not a martini.

Pomegranate juice, grapefruit juice, simple syrup and a splash of well vodka? Not a martini.

Anything at all other than gin, gin, gin, a touch of vermouth and an olive on a spike? Not a goddamn martini.

Look, I honestly don't even think that a classic martini made with vodka ought to be counted as a martini, but that, I can let go (only because they taste better dirty than a gin version does). But anything else? No. Just because it is served in a martini glass does NOT make whatever ridiculous, fruit-hatted concoction you're swilling into a martini. The word means the drink, not the container it is served in, and anyone who tells you otherwise is just trying to sell you something.

Most likely another fucking appletini, you sniveling lush.

4) Schnapps

Schnapps are made to be drunk by apple-cheeked German mountain climbers wearing funny hats or Kaiser Wilhelm celebrating the defeat of Bismarck. Are you an apple-cheeked German mountain climber wearing a funny hat? Are you Kaiser Wilhelm? No?

Then put down the fucking schnapps, and find a real drink.

5) Any drink made with schnapps

Today, schnapps are most often used to disguise the flavors of actual liquor in cocktails designed for getting young girls plastered as quickly as possible. Schnapps + Vodka + Any Carbonated Soda or Fruit Juice=the most efficient panty-remover known to man. Except for men. If a man drinks something with schnapps in it, he may as well be slipping his panties on.

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