Proletariat Pizza.jpg
Proletariat Pizza's logo is tattooed onto the arm of seemingly EVERY rockabilly and gutterpunk who works there.
For years there was only one thing missing


Proletariat Pizza Has Everything You Need to Create the Ultimate Utopia. Except Sexy Robots.

Proletariat Pizza.jpg
Proletariat Pizza's logo is tattooed onto the arm of seemingly EVERY rockabilly and gutterpunk who works there.
For years there was only one thing missing from White Center: a decent local pizza place. Luckily, Proletariat Pizza has stepped up to fill that void. It's located in charming downtown White Center, next door to a porn shop and across the street from Full Tilt Ice Cream.

But don't be fooled by all of the smuttiness surrounding Proletariat: inside it's an oasis of kid-friendliness. Toys are strewn all over the place and crayons roll around on the floor. There are video games in the back. This place must be like El Dorado to a kid. If I were 10 years old, I would refuse to eat anywhere BUT Proletariat Pizza. And I'm sure many of the patrons do just that.

Despite Proletariat's working-class name, the beer list is decidedly bourgeoisie. The cheapest pitcher is $14--and they don't even have PBR. The pizzas, which in obnoxious NYC style are one size and are sold as whole or half pies, are similarly genteel: a whole 18" cheese sets you back $15, and even the traditional pepperoni pushes the fiscal envelope at $17.

I WILL say that Proletariat's pizzas have a fucking awesome crust: it's thin, not too crackly, and foldable, with just the right amount of chew. Also, the crust didn't have those huge bubbles that swell up as if your pizza has herpes and tastes like burnt cheese. Those bubbles are filled with AIR, you know. When your pizza has those crusty herpes bubbles, you're getting charged to BREATHE.

The sauce is really fucking bland, but that's only a problem if you get the plain cheese. The pepperoni pie is good; it's not too greasy, and avoids the frequent orange oily puddle in the middle of it that shittier pizzas usually have. The margherita ($16) is studded with discs of melted mozzarella and strewn with a couple half-hearted strands of basil chiffonade. It's generally OK, but I doubt it conforms to the Neopolitan D.O.C., so why bother? And the huge slices of mealy tomato unbalance the crust when you're trying to fold it.

The ham & egg ($18) is papered with giant slices of prosciutto and splashed with a couple sunny-side-up eggs. This pizza means well, but doesn't quite pull it off; the prosciutto gets too tough in the oven and the eggs become leathery like your mom's tits. And I was expecting the yolks to be runny, but they weren't.

Despite my complaints, I'll go out on a limb and say that Proletariat Pizza is one of the better pies in West Seattle. Good luck eating there, however, because the hours they keep are definitely as socialist as the place's name. It's only open from 4-9 p.m., Monday through Saturday. And they DON'T deliver. If they could revamp the sauce and maybe get some PBR on tap and give the rug rats some Lorazepam, this place would be the working man's utopia envisioned by Karl Marx himself!

Rating: 7.5 childhood Xanadus out of 10

Proletariat Pizza is located at 9622 16th Ave SW in White Center

To place an order call 206-432-9765


A number of comments suggested that I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about in regard to the beer Proletariat serves. I contacted Proletariat Pizza to get to the bottom of this mystery. Proprietors Mike and Stefanie Albaeck graciously responded to my query to set the record straight. I couldn't paraphrase what they said any more eloquently than they said it so I'm just going to quote them directly:

Thanks for the follow-up Surly-

We do not have PBR on tap, but we do have it in 16oz cans for $2.50 which we

believe is quite working-class. We currently only have two taps for beers

and we are trying to use them to support local breweries which currently

include Big Al's and Two Beers Brewery. These are both $4 for a pint and $12

for a pitcher.

Although, I don't agree with everything in your recent review I do

appreciate your opinion and understand that you may have a reputation to

uphold being the Surly Gourmand.


MIke & Stefanie Albaeck

I'm raising Proletariat's score from 6 to 7: they get 1/2 point for their very civil customer service, and 1/2 point because they do, in fact, sell my favorite beer.

The end. If this were a sitcom the screen would freeze right as I was falling off of a bicycle or something.


A reader commented that I should give Proletariat extra points because owner Mike Albaeck's mustache is so awesome, Magnum PI and Super Mario both contemplated suicide in envy of it. I actually remember seeing this epic 'stache on several occasions inside Proletariat and admiring it myself. So in honor of Mike's superb facial hair, I'm awarding Proletariat ANOTHER 1/2 point.

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