The culinary drive to stick things between other things is as old as cuisine itself. The hamburger is nothing more than a way to eat beef with your hands without getting blood on your fingers. The sandwich is just a way to eat with one hand while doing something more interesting (hitchhiking, writing blog posts, masturbating or, in the case of the Earl of Sandwich, gambling for 40 hours straight) with the other.
Is it wrong that I kinda want to eat this...?
Recently, KFC set the bloggity food world ON FIRE with the release of the Double Down (bacon and cheese smooshed between two pieces of fried chicken), causing many food writers to weep as though the End Times were finally upon us. But the Double Down was really no more or less horrifying than the McGangbang (a McChicken sandwich sandwiched inside a double cheeseburger, which high school kids and fat bastards have been ordering for years from McDonald's), the turducken (which you can now by frozen in the grocery store), the rumored "Pie McFlurry" (again from Mickey D's--it's a pie blended into a McFlurry shake) or the In-n-Out "X by Y" (where X equals the number of hamburger patties, Y equals slices of cheese and X x Y = delicious).
But because The Colonel got such wicked traction out of the Double Down, other chains are already jumping on the stuff-inside-other-stuff bandwagon. The most recent example? "Pancake Stackers" from IHOP (pictured above) which is two pancakes with a cheesecake in the middle.
Okay, so it's not an entire cheesecake (because, obviously, that would just be madness), but rather a glob of crustless cheesecake filling gunked up between those two flapjacks. But in order to make up for any calories potentially lost in the removal of those butter-soaked graham cracker crumbs, the Pancake Stacker also comes drenched in a variety of fruit "compotes"--a fancy French word for liquefied jelly. Yummy, right?
In order to get a jump on any other potential food-inside-other-food shenanigans the chains might get up to in the future (and in hopes of collecting some sort of residual payment if any of these fancies become reality someday), here are my picks for the five or six next big things to take down the Double Down.
Bon apetit, fatty...
1. Turducken X-treme (AKA: turducklavearken)
The plain old turducken is sooo last year. So why not spice up this holiday season with the turducklavearken or Turducken X-treme! Here, we don't stop at just cramming three animals inside each other, but expand the flavor party to six--a chicken inside a duck, inside a turkey, stuffed inside a spring lamb, jammed into a veal calf then roasted inside a whole pig.
2. Sheehan's Original 8-Meat Parfait
This is a picture of a namby-pamby traditional trifle made of fruits and cream and other girly stuff. But if you've got a man-sized hunger that no Double Down will touch, why not try a Sheehen's Original 8-Meat Parfait! Imagine vertical layers of ground beef, ground pork, ground veal, ground chicken, ground turkey, ground buffalo, ground ostrich and ground lamb all arranged into a parfait format, separated by delicious strata of bacon bits and topped with fresh foie gras mousse.
3. The Chicken Fried PBLT&B
A plain BLT is for pussies. If you're any kind of real man (or real scary woman, I guess...), why not go for the new Chicken Fried PBLT&B? This is a BLT sandwich in which the only presumably healthy ingredient (the bread) has been replaced by two boneless pork chops, then wrapped in bacon, dipped in fried chicken batter and deep fried. It's a party in your mouth, and everyone's invited! And for a truly legendary hunger, try the "Legends of the Diner Chicken Fried PBLT&B 2k" which takes the original, portable PBLT&B and serves it in a commemorative bucket filled with thick, rich country gravy.
4. Creme Bruloaf
Everyone knows that chicken and waffles is one of the greatest inventions ever. But what's the one drag about eating chicken and waffles? That's right: silverware. You're a busy person. You don't have time to be actually cutting and forking your food. Well, with my new space-age process, you'll never have to worry about that again because here at Sheehan Labs, we take the finest boneless fried chicken breasts, run 'em through a blender, form the resultant slurry into patties, wrap the patties in bacon, fry them again, puree them again, mix the smooth baco-chika paste with waffle batter in a secret concentration, then pour the mix into custom-made waffle irons so that the result is a crispy, waffly, chickeny treat no bigger than a silver dollar and perfect for eating on the go! Each order of Baco-Chika-Wafflers is served topped with powdered sugar and with maple syrup dipping sauce on the side. And if even chewing is too much for you, be sure to check out our new Baco-Chika-Waffler Smoothies.
And finally, because no one has ever done the food-wrapped-in-other-food schtick so well as the guys from Saturday Night Live, here's another fix of the classic "Taco Town" commercial, recently tagged as one of our "Six Favorite SNL Fake Food Ads." Say it with me now: "Pizza? Now that's what I call a taco..."