Red Star Pizza.JPG
On the advice of Red Star's pizza box, I enjoyed every delicious moment I spent with your mom last night.
Red Star Pizza took over


Surprisingly, Red Star Pizza Has Nothing to Do With Communism

Red Star Pizza.JPG
On the advice of Red Star's pizza box, I enjoyed every delicious moment I spent with your mom last night.
Red Star Pizza took over the building on 35th Ave SW once occupied by Pizza Time, easily one of the most dismal things I have ever had the misfortune of putting into my mouth. So Red Star could ONLY be an improvement, right?

Yes, it's better than Pizza Time, although I don't like the name. "Red Star" instantly conjures up "Communism" in my mind. Communism sucks because it has only been practically implemented in the real world as a totalitarian police state, and not as the efficient, corruption-free utopia envisioned by Marx and Engels. Also, Communism has empowered a horde of cheese-dick college freshmen to wear Che Guevara T-shirts. Besides, capitalism and pizza are made for one another. If you wanted to call your pizzeria "Capitalist Pizza," your slogan pretty much writes itself: "The Best Pizza Money Can Buy." Or maybe "Tossed by the Invisible Hand."

Red Star's pizza is generally okay. A plain cheese, AKA the "Bright Light Star," costs $8.99 for a 12-inch pie. It is a standard three- cheese pizza: process mozzarella, veined with orange strands of shredded cheddar and sprinkled with intermittent crispy wisps of parmesan. Beneath the cheese is a noncommittal tomato sauce: Neither too sweet nor too tart, Red Star's blandly inoffensive marinara is the Meredith Vieira of sauces. The crust is a bit leathery and stuccoed with a granular cornmeal coating. The plain cheese pizza is the litmus test of any pizzeria, and Red Star's rendition calls to mind a frozen Freschetta, eaten on a sofa bed at 3 a.m. while watching Amityville Horror on TBS.

The Red Star Supernova ($13.99 for a 12 inch) is a typical "supreme" pizza, topped with crumbly nuggets of Italian sausage, pepperoni, salami, green and red bell peppers, canned black olives, and onions. The weaknesses inherent in the plain cheese remain, but there's something else going on: Beneath the gloopy pile of toppings is a tangy and spicy underwire; there are pickled jalapenos on this pie, and hot sauce in the marinara. I didn't think it would work, but this subtle lurking heat adds an interesting dimension to what would otherwise be a pretty lame pizza.

Chicken wings, if you want them, are $5.99 for 10. The barbecued ones are okay, if a bit bland, with rubbery skin. But what puzzles me is how and why so many pizza places serve chicken wings. Is this a vestigial practice left over from the days when bakers also roasted meat? And if that's the case, why not roast whole chickens?

Is Red Star worthy of its Communist name? Fuck no. Service is brisk; unlike life in an Eastern Bloc country, there's very little waiting in line. I got my pizzas in about 15 minutes. Plus they deliver. The pizza isn't terrible, but I wouldn't call it AWESOMELY OUTRAGEOUS, either. Isn't mediocrity the very essence of capitalism? Mediocrity is definitely the essence of sex with your mom.

Rating: 5 Communists out of 10

Red Star pizza is located at 7514 35th Ave SW

For pick up or delivery call 206-923-055

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